...Элтεг Мﬠ Mıп∂ | וƒ οиІע чסu Caп нΔNd|є їד

Wish you were here, Mum.

2012-01-30T06:52:00.001+11:00

I have only recently discovered Pink Floyd. Yes curse my ignorance, I can't believe I have not listened to them before! This was the first ever song I heard and just reminded me of mum. I miss you Mum. Love you. <3

In Your Honour

2012-01-20T15:36:00.004+11:00

I have been thinking and thinking about to what to write, how to write, will it be good enough? Did I miss anything? I had even prepared a bad ass 2000 word essay, however, no matter how many words I use to describe it, it won't do it any justice, so I am going to settle for only this, because it will never be enough.

My mum passed away on the 16th of Jan 2012. She was diagnosed with an incurable lung disease which I only found out about last year. Its hard to know that your mother is dying and even harder when it actually happens. Doubtless, I feel like I have a gigantic gaping hole in my heart, that may only get smaller with time, but will never disappear. In a way I am glad her suffering is over and she is finally at rest, but it breaks my heart all the same. Gone too soon. Sigh.

Mum, I miss you, and I love you, I am sorry for all the pains I may have caused you and I hope you are in a better place now, because you deserve it more than anyone I know!
My only consolation is that I was able to see you, speak to you, hold you, kiss you, love you and take care of you and repair our previous broken relationship. I am happy that our last words to each other were that we loved one another and lots of kisses ! :) You need not be afraid for me Mum, I am as self-sufficient and independent as you wanted me to be. Don't worry, I will keep an eye out for Hummi and Zer too, I wont let them feel alone and I will make sure Dad eats proper and stays out of trouble!

I love you, no amount of words can describe how I feel about you and what you mean to me. May Allah give you the highest place in Jannat. Ameen.

Crossroads

2011-11-18T01:18:00.003+11:00

Feeling rather tormented by trying to chose to either act or not to act. How does one weigh personal needs against the needs of many?

I feel so torn apart; either I ignore my needs and chose to satisfy the needs of others and therefore lose my sense of self in the process, or chose to ignore others needs and consequently feel guilt-ridden and heavy-hearted.

Ugh!

:(

http://browse.deviantart.com/?q=Crossroads&order=9&offset=24#/d1cohpx

Human Mortality

2011-10-23T19:35:00.003+11:00

I have to come realise, the older I get the more deaths I will soon be facing. I guess I have been lucky enough to have been shielded from it in my teenage years, however, I am finding myself being surrounded by death.

It makes you think of death a lot more often and in particular, the manner of passing away. A former schoolmate passed away when he was only 24. A friends grand mother passed away at a ripe age 85ish.. I heard of someone else losing a 16- year old son; too young to have gone so quickly. Its scary to face that we are not immortals. Death is so excluded from our lives, we barely even think about it and then someone passes away and we are re-introduced to our puny human lives.

Some one once said there are only two things that are permanent: Death and taxes. So maybe you can not fight the fact that one day we will all die. However, you can't stop thinking about the way you would die. I personally want to have lived my life to the full and pass away in a sleep surrounded by people I love. Which is exactly what happened to my friends granma. I don't think anyone wants to die alone, amongst strangers, in a painful, fearful manner. Its simply not the way to go.

This makes me think of the pictures I recently saw of Gaddafi, Libya's autocratic ruler from 1969-1977. His manner of death was quite uneasy to digest. Yes yes yes he has committed oh so many crimes and yadda yadda yadda. Life isn't black and white, its just not. We are villains and we are heroes. Bad people have families too, they have spouses, children, parents and siblings. They are human too. Some people may say he deserved to die that way, but jeez, just seeing the pictures of him moments before his death, made me want to cry. Cry for the cruelty and barbaric nature of mankind. Cry for the manner of his death, dragged and beaten, dying infront of hateful strangers, all alone. Sigh. I don't know if anyone deserves to die that way. Its just cruel. It makes me sad, I wish mankind wasn't capable of such brutality and cruelty, its inhumane. :( If we have a soul, I am not sure it can be at rest if you pass away so suddenly and in such a painful manner.

I feel a little frightened, because I realise my own frailty and I am lately facing the mortality of my parents, especially since they are not getting any younger and Mum has been sick all this year. I haven't even seen them in 2 fcking years. I am scared life would be cruel and take them away before they even get to know me again.

Sigh.

http://day-light.deviantart.com/art/Life-Death-148310461?q=boost%3Apopular%20death&qo=167

Exercise

2011-07-24T23:07:00.002+10:00

Who needs exercise if you can get your heart to race 100 beats a min just by performing the simple act of adding your ex on IM chat.

Hah.

>_>

Lol.

7th of July

2011-07-16T13:05:00.003+10:00

On the 7th of July, someone I knew from School passed away.
:(

He was not my friend, nor do I remember having any conversations with him. In fact, I had a silly infatuation with him that made me tongue tied every time he walked by. :)
Regardless of how little I knew him, it came as a great shock to know he had passed away :(
I can't even begin to imagine what his family must be going through, because I have never experienced losing someone really close to me like that. But the thought of it gives me shivers every time:S

Sigh.

I think we all think that we are somehow immortal, or that death is absolutely disconnected from our lives such that when such an event does happen, it shakes us up. No one thinks that they are going to die today. No one thinks the person they love sitting right next to you is not going to be there the next moment.

Over the years, I have seen other people lose people they love and its heart breaking :( I have seen a friend lose her mother, I have seen my own mother lose her brother, I have seen my brother lose a class mate and now I have seen someone else lose their brother/son/friend etc.

For the time being it makes you extra appreciative of your family and your loved ones. You call them up and let them know how much you love them. However, after a while, everybody forgets death has happened and go back to their apathetic self.

I am a little heart broken :( I can not simply comprehend how someone so young and so full of life could be taken away so soon :( Its so sad... :(

At least it is really good to see how many people love him and to know that he passed away with no pain. I guess that's what we can wish for when its our time.

May his soul rest in peace.
Ameen.

To live in hearts we leave behind
Is not to die.
~Thomas Campbell, "Hallowed Ground"

The Speech.

2011-06-11T00:01:00.004+10:00

Sometimes you are in a phase in life where everything seems to work out wonderfully. Studies, work, relationships. Everything is absolutely fantastic and nothing could go wrong.
Other times, you are at a stage in life where everything that could possibly go wrong- goes horribly wrong.

I was fairly religious minded when it came to aspects of life, believing that everything had its purpose, its destiny, its set path. However, now that I really am a skeptic when it comes to fate, destiny, higher power etc, I am not sure how to make sense of all the unfortunate thing that seems to be happening in my life. All the things that have not worked out. If life really is random, and it doesn't chose to give good or bad things depending on your deeds, then how do I explain all the 'random' disappointments I have had?

Stuff like, work, experience, personal relationships. They have all not worked out or seem to just exacerbate with time. Its almost like I have run out of "luck". In retrospect, it made me jaded. I mean, it understandable if one thing doesn't work out, but god damn ALL of it? Wtf?
Its depressing, disappointing and has put me in a rather morbid, moody mood.

My perspective didn't start to change until my graduation day. It wasn't the ceremony, nor the wearing of the flowy academic gown. It wasn't finally receiving that god-damned certificate that says that I have Bachelors in Engineering. It was the keynote speaker. I, like the absent-minded person I am, don't recall her name, however, I remember what she spoke about.
It almost felt like she was talking directly TO ME. Like everything she said was meant for me and me alone because she somehow seem to know what I have been going through.

She talked about her own experience of graduating and thinking she was invincible. That from here on, everything will be easy. How wrong was she, and how wrong was I!
The world is going to present to you with plenty of disappointments; not getting that job or that scholarship, but perhaps it is a way to prepare yourself better for the future. How I wish, someone had told me that before I finished my studies and started to think: "Now what?"
Her point was, you need to keep pushing and have a 'no-regret' policy. That you should not let disappointments define you.

The speech, which was a lot more elegant than what I have summarized here, touched my heart. It gave me the tranquility that I have been looking for. I cant say at I am not jealous of the people who have it easier than me, or have better opportunities to excel, because I really am; however, I have learned to be patient for my glory day. Crudely put, every dog has its day, I know mine will come.

Sometimes, you need a complete stranger to tell you, that your world is not going to end.

http://xxxbiancaxxx.deviantart.com/art/Speech-56743086?q=boost%3Apopular%20Speech&qo=48

Like a bug

2011-05-30T23:51:00.003+10:00

Its crawling inside my head
Around and about,
Eating away at my memories,
Intelligence and perception of happiness.

Its eating away my soul,
If there is such a thing,
Eating away until my reflection,
Becomes unrecognisable.

Like a bug, crawling in my head,
Constant, never ending.
Let the end be near now,
Because I can't take it anymore.

Mi Familia

2011-05-24T14:53:00.004+10:00

Recently I have taken fancy to practicing yoga again. I was introduced to this form of physical and mental (even spiritual) exercise few years ago, and have been an admirer ever since. In the time I have spent on it, I have come to realise that yoga transcends the physical body. There is more to it than just a way of exercising your body.

I was reading the Australian Yoga Journal magazine and found an article that at first I thought was out of place. It was about how meeting members of the family can be a stressful experience. The author talked about how we tend to fall into our "roles" with our family members when we interact with them. For example, if you were a chubby kid in the family and were always teased and bullied by your older sibling, you would still feel resentful and defensive about anything they say 20 years later. It was something that I could relate to, given that I have had an overbearing sibling growing up. To this date when I am 23 years old, I still feel that I give in to being bullied by him or I am defensive about any opinion he expresses about the way I live my life.

This article which at first I thought was out of place in a Yoga magazine, described how family gatherings can be a place to learn about yourself. Our family members can be teachers, who teach us about ourselves. Some of them teach us about our vices and others our virtue. There was a neat example that was given in the article about a man who utterly despised his mother. He thought of her as a control-freak, strict and up-tight; hence, avoided any visits as much as possible. There was one time where a job had taken him to the city where hes mother lived and he had to stay with her for a while. This time, instead of being irritated by hes mother, he tried to understand why she behaved the way she did and came to realise that in a lot of ways they were similar. He realised that he was as much of a control-freak in trying to get her to calm down as she was to control any situation. He came to see that he shared a lot of attributes with hes mother and eventually started to see her in a new light.

Another way to look at those family members that we have an aversion to is as teachers. So rather than trying to zone out this Aunt's or that Uncle's conversations, it is an opportunity to explore our inner being. At times, there are people who bring out a side of us that we never realised we had; however, this could very well be a chance to notice our flaws AND our strengths and improve upon them.

Hah, maybe there will be a lower fatality rate on holidays if people started taking this approach :)

http://blindrider.deviantart.com/art/Yoga-98876699?q=boost%3Apopular%20Yoga&qo=26

Love Like A Sunset - Phoenix

2011-05-24T14:51:00.001+10:00

Gorgeous song :)

THE WORLD IS COMING TO AN END!

2011-01-27T01:51:00.003+11:00

I have a problem. The problem is that every time something happens to me that is even the slightest bit negative I jump to the worst possible conclusion and truly believe thats what is going to happen.

If I get a prick on my hand or notice some weird mark on my body somewhere, my mind would race at 10000 mph and conclude to myself that I am going to die from some terrible disease, because thats the only possible conclusion I can really have.

Obviously, I have come to realise this particular flaw of mine only recently when someone pointed it out to me. It doesn't help me in anyway, because all I feel really is that I am carrying a ton of a weight on my shoulders ALL the time and I don't even realise how stressed my whole body is, not to mention my own mind.

Battling it out with a mind that jumps to the worst possible conclusion isn't the most fun thing either. It's like telling a cancer person that no, really, its all good! Who knows they just MIGHT go into remission.

That's how I am feeling nowadays. Like my habitual thinking brain is like some cancer patient jumping to bad conclusions about my life and that I am trying to break that thinking pattern by telling it "No! not all is bad! Look at the flowers! "

Yes, I know I sound insane, maybe that's because I stay in my mind most of the time.

It's not enough that one has external problems as well, such as working enough hours to keep a roof over your head, but that you are in a constant battle with yourself, to keep yourself from going into a downward spiral. It gets very tiring.

There is no moral to this story, just me and my over thinking -jumping to bad conclusions brain.
I think I am jaded, maybe thats why I can't help but feel like I have to prepare myself for the worst possible outcome.

Cheery people irritate me now, because I can't be cheery myself anymore and think the world is such a great place to be! I can't, because a lot of my hopes and dreams have kind of been... crushed or temporarily delayed.

I am a very -I want it right now- kind of person. I like to see results. I don't enjoy the "journey" or the whole getting to the destination thing. I want my fcking destination RIGHT NOW. That's me. Always in a hurry to get somewhere. I know a lot of you would say "oh but you will miss the beautiful scenery" and I might actually miss it, how ever the feeling of relief and the beautiful sound sleep you get after you have arrived at your "Destination" is unmatched.

In pursuit of the unattainable.

2011-01-16T03:29:00.004+11:00

Hah, 3.30 am on the 16th of Jan. Jeez time really flies so quickly that its scary. I am half asleep half awake- almost brain dead, yet here I am writing a post because of something thats keeping me up.

We go through our lives, with the same mundane, unsatisfying job, same boring relationships, same everything. Life is well... mediocre. Suddenly, you meet someone, or get an opportunity to do something. You don't really know what it is yet, but you explore it more. Before you know it, you are involved in something that has never been THIS good.

Its so good, that you put it on a pedestal. It has touched your life in every way possible. Suddenly, you can't imagine life without it, because it is THAT good. However, when it finally goes away, like almost everything does, you are completely, utterly devastated, heart broken and lost.

Then begins the cycle of people or opportunities NEVER meeting upto par with the experience you have had and therefore you are never satisfied ever again. No matter what, they will never measure up and it will never be the same and therefore you wouldn't be happy with anything less.

There goes your life in an endless search of something that would top that experience from its pedestal, but deep down you know, this kind of stuff happens once in a lifetime and thats it.
Damn, I am stuck.

Update:

Haha, I am always in the most depressing mood at 3am in the morning o.0 and I vent out here rather than scavenge through the internet to find someone who would lend an ear :P

Happy New Year.... asshole.

2011-01-12T02:48:00.003+11:00

Year 2011 has started off to a bad start. Nothing has changed, my good luck is still running dry, feeling a tad bit suicidal too.

This is not good.

Well, maybe somebody is getting their prayers answered. I am still miserable, very much indeed.

Cheers.

Dating Offline

2010-12-24T21:56:00.002+11:00

The world is moving fast and so is love. In the old days, when lovers used to write each other letters that took weeks to be delivered, yet somehow they all survived.
Nowadays we have internet dating, or dating someone who you see maybe once an year or even less and the relationship really is based on text messages, emails, facebook.

Sure, technology has made internet dating a lot easier, but that doesn't necessarily mean its made it less prone to failure.
Think about meeting someone in person, like in the old days, when there was no Facebook or MSN, so that you didn't instantly hop online to profile stalk the person and check who they are and if they are single. You get to know the person from scratch, moreover, there are no additional external factors to exacerbate feelings of insecurity, jealousy, suspicion etc.

Really, imagine this, you really like this person, but then this person seems to be chatting to someone a bit TOO regularly. So you investigate, hop online to their facebook account and check this other person out. Before you know it, you are making mountains out of molehills.

So eventhough technology has made long distance relationships remotely possible, it still doesn't beat dating someone in person. You don't have to worry about who they have been sending messages, whether the text message they sent you reallly conveys "how much they love you", whether the decreasing frequency of them calling you up or sending you emails mean they are being unfaithful.

If anything, dating "offline" as I coined the term, is so much more simpler, less stressful.

Done! and now what?

2010-12-16T15:08:00.003+11:00

Hah, finally found out I managed to pass with First Class Honors !!!!! xD For those of you who don't know what that is, it means I have an average higher than 75%. However, still have no clue what my average is...

Anyways, that aside, now what? Parents and teachers say that this is the BIG hurdle, that once you are done with your Bachelor studies, you are set for life!

How wrong were they. Its still such a struggle, just because you have a piece of paper stating you are qualified to build killer robots :P doesn't necessarily mean you automatically get a job. Jeez, I can't believe just how hard job hunting! It is a soul sucking task, that leaves you feeling doubtful of your own potential and talent and very very pessimistic and depressed.

Lately, that is how I have been feeling, very unwanted and very-oh lord- NORMAL.
Through out high school and university, I have managed to excel in my academia and well, at the risk of sounding a tad bit arrogant, I think I was a little set aside from the crowd. However, with getting so many rejection letters, I can't help but feel: yep, I am not as special as I thought I was.

Big Sigh.
Life is so uncertain at the moment, but I guess one person I talked to said, that it could be a good thing, it means no plans are made and I can take up any opportunity that comes along. One did come along- research. Now that is something I really do want to do, but you know how sometimes things are offered to you at the wrong time of life, Yes. I can't really accept it for personal reasons and also because I still want to be able to get a job at the end of obtaining a masters or a phD.

Big Sigh.

Everything seems to be coming with a catch, and I am not liking it one bit. I am not going to go about whining about how life is so unfair and how I am feeling singled out by it. Targeted. Because life really can be shit at times and unfair. All I am asking for is a BREAK, I can't seem to catch a break and it is exhausting.

Sigh.

Oh well, there is plenty of good where this is bad, I am published in a journal article as the first author! How very exciting :), got offered a phD scholarship ! Working two jobs at two great places and have MONEY for the first time. Independent, finally.

Heres hoping everything else works out in the end, for the good.

_______________________________

Listening to : Not Finished Just Yet- Powderfinger
_______________________________________

http://jennee.deviantart.com/art/Graduation-19874710?q=boost%3Apopular+Graduation&qo=3

Year 2010

2010-12-03T14:42:00.004+11:00

Its December already! Time really does fly and so much has happened since last year 31st December 2009.

This year has been particularly bad for me. Almost everything that could go wrong has gone wrong.
Had to chose between doing research, which I really want to do in the long run or get a job and support my little brother when he comes over for studies. I had to chose the latter, of course.
I have been pessimistic, cynical, depressed.
Final year project pretty much died on me and lord knows how I have done as my results aren't out yet for it :(
Gotten my first ever CREDIT! Spoiling my almost perfect academic record! (Yes I am a nerd, a perfectionist and an over achiever when it comes to stuff like this). Not to mention several other things that haven't worked out the way I have wanted it to.

So yes, a very bad year indeed.
The only solace I have is the few good things that did happen, made two really good friends, got offered a scholarship to do a post-grad, working at the moment, have my own place- finally INDEPENDENT. Still. I really hope year 2011 compensates for the terrible year I have had this year.

Some of the important lessons learned this year:

1. Keep only, the people in your life, who bring something to the table rather than take something from you, may it be, your happiness, your energy, your soul.

2.Make decisions and do not regret, sometimes all you can do is roll the dice and chose.

3. Be happy. Situations aren't going to change just by fretting over it, so maybe just roll with it.

4. Be more adaptable to unforeseen changes.

5. Value the present, because at times its the only thing thats going on for you.

I hope December goes past without any bad happenings and heres to a coming good year!

Stand back.

2010-11-14T13:06:00.003+11:00

So recently I talked to two of my really good friends and we had just been doing some catching up and I was telling them how terrible my life is :P

It surprised me that both of them thought that I had a lot going on.
Then I looked at everything again with a fresh non-judgemental view and I was like.. hey.. its not so bad as I make it to be.
At times we have such a tunnel vision about things, and tend to focus only on one part of life that is just going not the way we want it to, or imagine the worst possible scenario that we forget about our other aspects of life that are going well.

So I guess, just stand back and look at everything and things aren't so bad.

Perspective

2010-11-07T11:56:00.003+11:00

I was talking to one of my good friends and I said:

"So how would you feel if you dated a girl and slept with her only to have her turn lesbian on you???, Because that's what happened to Ross in Friends, hes first wife turned gay on him!... I mean its like are you that BAD in bed???"

and what he said made me laugh out and made me realise how the same situation can be thought in a different way.

He said.. " theres another way to look at it, I would be the last one to tap THAT"
Lol!

I guess the way you perceive things and think about situations does make a lot of difference and you can relieve yourself off of a lot of pain :)

http://kbrandt.deviantart.com/art/Thoughts-35668854?q=boost%3Apopular+Thoughts&qo=4

2010-11-06T23:17:00.001+11:00

Stripping me off of everything I have held close, dear and in value. Vulnerable, defeated and feeling targeted.

Are you happy NOW?

Cause I like the way it hurts.

2010-10-27T21:07:00.001+11:00

This song sadly reminds me of a past relationship.

Good, but not

2010-10-20T19:14:00.003+11:00

There was something that had been bugging me at the back of my mind about someone I once knew. This person wasn't a bad person, but nor were they... great. Until I realised what I couldn't put my finger on before about this person.

Some people really do have good hearts, but their methods are utterly wrong.

Strange right? I couldn't exactly despise the person, because their heart was in the right place, their intentions were good, however the methods they used to do "good" was just all wrong. Talk about being an anti-hero xD

People like these, you don't know what to do with them. Pull your hair out in frustration or just tolerate bad methods because of good intentions. Hmph.

The skeletons in my closet

2010-09-29T12:22:00.004+10:00

If I were to reveal
Who I have become
Since we've been together
Would you still like me ?

If I were to show you
The skeletons in my closet
The new thought train
Would you still talk to me ?

Or would you think
That I have lost my mind
Lost my way
Lost my faith
Lost myself

Can you not see instead,
That I have grown
To make my own choices
To decide who I am
To decide what is wrong
Rather than someone who has gone astray.

Would you still like me?
If I showed you the person I am today
The gears of my brain
The darkness of my heart
Would you still be my friend?

I have changed A LOT over time, so much that a lot of my family and friends probably would not recognize me anymore because I have changed how I think about things, like culture, religion, people, values, rules etc... Somehow it makes me feel like if I were ever to speak my mind I will be seen as the black sheep. It almost feels like m coming out and saying Im gay :P lol
It is so hard to show your family who you are now and why thats okay even if its not what they wanted me to be.

http://cheahpj.deviantart.com/art/Being-Different-25016390?q=boost%3Apopular+Different+person&qo=6

Poison

2010-09-26T04:16:00.004+10:00

I talked to someone today, rather unexpectedly and it turned out exactly as I expected it to. Super ugly.

Kind of want to hit myself for caring for someone who was an obvious poison in my life that I should have removed a long time ago.
Managed to maintain the whole "I am rubber you are glue, everything you say flicks back to you" concept, it went alright and I realised the huge difference between our maturity and that we would never see the same way about what has happened.

Sometimes your eyes are flicked real wide open and you see the person truly for who they are. Poison.

Letting Go

2010-09-12T14:07:00.006+10:00

I dont like or dislike this phase, I am just neutral. Letting go of a lot of things that I was still holding on to. The gazillion questions racing through my head have started to fade away, even though they still remain unanswered.

I forgot that at times you are left with so many unanswered questions from your past that you dont know how to put everything to peace. How to put an end to that chapter. However with time, the intensity and the importance of the questions fade away until they just completely disappear from your mind.

It doesn't matter anymore.

We survive what we can not change, let it fade, let it go ~ The stone -Ashes Divide

http://itchitaka.deviantart.com/art/Letting-Go-52863005?q=boost%3Apopular+Letting+go&qo=2

Something happy

2010-09-10T21:27:00.004+10:00

I looked over my blog and realized how depressing my recent posts were :P

I guess a lot of things haven't really been going well and its a bit too many things to feel all happy yappy.

There was something someone said to me. An event that happened doesn't cause you to feel depressed, dejected, demotivated etc. It's how you think about it. Our thoughts influence how we feel.

I have recently been applying for jobs like some insane sleepless person and I have not been hearing back and its really been depressing me a lot. It's making me feel for once in my life that hardwork really doesn't pay off. That life is unfair and you need luck on your side as much as you need hardwork to get something you desire.

However I am starting to put everything in a different perspective rather than assuming the worst thing possible. It's hard work, especially when your habit becomes one of being a cynical pessimistic depressed person >_<

Another thing that keeps me going on is that everybody is happy and great when things are going right, but when it really counts is when things are going awry. Can you hold your own?
I am trying to, it's hard but I am hoping I will eventually have a lucky break of my own and I can look back on all this as some character building phase.

All the best to me.

_______________________

Listening to Black &Gold -Sam Sparro

http://alephunky.deviantart.com/art/Be-Happy-126054858?q=boost%3Apopular+happy&qo=5

Q time

2010-09-07T00:27:00.003+10:00

So heres a question that I want to put out there for everybody to mull over.

How is it possible to love someone but not really like them ?

Before you say its not possible, let me tell you by experience. It is. I just don't understand how.

I hear something breaking

2010-08-31T18:20:00.001+10:00

I just sold one of my dearest objects that I have held really close to my heart these past few years.

I feel heartbroken and I feel like a part of me just died

sigh

After midnight

2010-08-30T02:03:00.004+10:00

I think about you

When the whole world has gone to bed

When the moon has risen all the way up

When the crickets have gone quiet

I think about you

I miss you so

Wonder what you are doing

Who you are with

If you are thinking of me

I miss you so

I wish I could see you again

One last time

Hear you again

Talk to you again

Know you were real

Because I loved you so

I know it will never be

Never see you again

Never talk to you again

Never hear from you again

Its all delusions of my mind

Fantasies played out

After midnight

sigh

http://Lylly55.deviantart.com/art/The-Missing-Half-II-129196351?q=boost%3Apopular+missing&qo=105

Materialistic Love

2010-08-15T17:29:00.005+10:00

I have been trying to rid myself of certain things of the past and therefore decided to put some stuff up for sale.

I didn't realize how emotionally attached I was to these materialistic things until someone showed interest in buying it. I was almost tempted to say No! its not for sale anymore!

I just sat in front of my desk, my heart racing trying to decide should I really sell it? This little thing that seems to hold my heart, should I really part with it?

I finally said yes and I feel heart broken. Its so irrational and stupid. It's just an object, a thing, but maybe what it symbolized makes it so hard for me to give it up. I finally feel like I have lost something dear and it's not nice :(

Alas, it is time to move on.

http://katib.deviantart.com/art/Materialistic-Mask-72286034?q=boost%3Apopular+Materialistic&qo=1

Your own worst enemy

2010-08-03T23:37:00.002+10:00

Recently I have had time to reflect upon decisions made, choices made, mistakes made and I realized something.

Even after going through various sorts of experiences, I still havent a clue about how a relationship is suppose to work or what it really should be like. I havent a single clue.

Not only that but I realized something far more depressing. I am my own worst enemy. I think I intentionally and unintentionally sabotage every relationship I had or any person I have been close to. At first it was probably unintentionally because I was not aware of my behavior and actions but lately I feel like I am doing it on purpose, you know, just for kicks.

:|

I dont know why I do what I do, but I see that there were a lot of things I did and said that probably provoked bad behavior from people around me and then I would turn around saying they are bad people when in fact it really is my own fault. Sigh.

After all this time, after all the broken hearts, I still feel like a novice. I still have no clue.
I have no right to say that others are messed up when I am so messed up myself.

http://wachmistrz.deviantart.com/art/Sabotage-156689503?q=boost%3Apopular+Sabotage&qo=237

Silence

2010-07-26T23:55:00.003+10:00

Its nice when my mind goes completely quiet without thinking at 1000 miles/ hour.

It hasn't been a great past one hour. I heard something really upsetting and it set into motion all the other things that have been bubbling just below the surface and BANG everything resurfaced and I feel like my minds about to explode with so many activity going up there.

Finally it has quietened down.

Its like a flood gate :) you keep things in until to the point you can hold it and then a single event triggers the flood gate to be opened and you are just caught in this whirlwind of worries, emotions and thoughts and then when you have vented completely out. It is all empty.

2010-07-22T01:43:00.005+10:00

Good bye dear companion, it feels like an era has come to an end and I can not believe it is finally
all over.
You shall be missed dearly

Death, it is as real as you

2010-07-16T01:03:00.004+10:00

The first time ever that I heard of someone passing away when I was old enough to understand what death actually meant was my one and only mamoo (mums brother).

I have had vague memories of him as a child and I remember he was always so much fun to be with. As I grew up we hardly saw him that much and well... as happens almost all the time, never really knew him at all by the time he passed away.

Yet it was sad, it makes you realize how precious and fragile life is. How people can be taken away from you in just an instant, a moment. One moment they are among us and the next minute they are gone.

I didn't really cry when my mamoo passed away... partly because he wasn't a significant part of my life anymore, yet I saw everybody else around me suffer. My mom, I would catch her crying at times, hes family... what happened was terrible.

Yet life goes on, everybody moves on.
For some time we value the people around us even more, are more caring and loving and forgiving than usual. Then the magic fades away.

However, today I have been reminded of such an emotion yet again.
My friend called me today and talking to him it felt like he was about to deliver some bad news. Kancho (head of federation of Jujitsu where I occasionally train) passed away.

It came as a shock... I was left speechless as the news started to settle in. Hes really gone... omg... the man was joy to be around, he cracked so many jokes and told stories and hes gone. Just like that.

I felt loss, probably not that great because I have come to know him for just a couple of months on occasional interaction, but I still felt like I lost something.
No more m I going to walk into the headquarters on training nights and find him there amusing us with hes humor. Nor would he make subtle remarks about how I can get the easy way out just because I am pretty. Lol. Yea. We will miss him :( Its so sad...

sigh...

I couldn't really talk about anything else, as if that news meant nothing so I just went into my room and stayed there. Wow, hes gone...

It's so scary... like you are just zapped from the face of the Earth never to be seen again. Sigh, its so scary... :(

What I am really afraid of facing is the passing away of someone of my own. Someone who's really close to me at that moment and be taken away from me just like that.

"Live as you would have wished to live when you are dying" ~ Christian Furchtegott

http://alicedjaiv.deviantart.com/art/Loss-44594813?q=boost%3Apopular+loss&qo=3

"Drunk" Dialing

2010-07-14T00:20:00.003+10:00

I feel so stupid right now. So so so so SO stupid. I did something stupid and I feel so STUPID.

STUPID STUPID STUPID ME.

Grrrrr..... I hate those times when the logical me is screaming inside my head : "Don't fcking do it!!!!" and I go ahead and do the exact same thing, regretting it the moment I do.

I feel so stupid. What m I? A 13 yr old kid who has no control over her impulses???
Ugh, I am so delusional, so so so very delusional. So stupid so so so stupid.

Okay hopefully I can go to sleep and sleep off this stupid burning humiliation I am feeling.

God.

Random conversation

2010-07-13T17:49:00.001+10:00

"I like looking into your eyes"

"While strangling me?"

"Yes"

Lol.

and no, its not what you think. Hahahahaha

Blinding speed

2010-07-12T11:06:00.004+10:00

Boy meets girl.
Girl meets boy.
They fall in love.
Girl/ Boy says something
Boy/Girl misunderstands
They fight
They break up.

Well.. yea I guess roughly this is how it all happens. However, its amazing how sometimes people tend to move on with such blinding speed that you can figuratively see a person shaped mark on the door and still feel the wind blowing from their takeoff.

You remain stunned. Like seriously, was it that easy?
I mean, you CLEARLY once loved this person with all thy heart ! You were emotionally involved with this person, how easy is it to cut all that off and forget they ever existed?
Or maybe not, may be its all a facade to show the other person that they are not suffering when actually they are rather quietly.

I think I can safely admit I have been at both ends. Been the person who moved on at such a blinding speed and also been the person who saw someone else move on at blinding speed. I think its so much more easier when you are the one moving on with blinding speed than the one left behind.

Being the person who moved on lightning quick, it was really because I saw it all coming. I saw it all ending. I was mentally, emotionally prepared for it and in fact relieved that it was finally over. May be thats why it was so much easier to move on. It was also because I was plenty angry and I thought that it was the other persons loss, its all their loss and not mine hence, so much easier.

Its a different story when you are the one whos left behind. You are still trying to figure out wtf happened, when the other person is already hooking up with other people. Wtf? lol. Sigh. Its good and bad in a way. Good in the way, you both wont be mulling over each other and both be able to move on eventually. Bad in the way, you are just left feeling even more hurt and confused than from the initial break up.

I wonder, does it make me more acceptable of someone moving on with blinding speed or understand someone who feels left behind just because I have seen both sides of the coin? I dont know, it hurts the same.

http://hquer.deviantart.com/art/Left-Behind-149835961?q=boost%3Apopular+left+behind&qo=2

Panic Room

2010-07-09T12:01:00.002+10:00

I really really think that they should invent something called a "Panic room"

No. Its not what you think it is, its not a room where you run off to hide when someone invades your house :P
What I mean by a panic room is, a room where you can just unleash all your frustration and anger out.

It should be sound proof, so that you can go in there and scream your heart out. It should have a hammer and lots of things to break, so you can start whacking away at things. Breaking them, damaging thing, hearing them break.

I just want to do that.

Sigh, you know you did the right thing, then why does doing the right thing suck so much ?

Final Chapter

2010-07-07T16:55:00.002+10:00

It may be true that no one may love me the way you do, but it is also true theres no one out there who could hurt me as much as you do.

Its been an insane confusing trial and Im glad its finally over, I think with a lot of hateful words.
If someone comes to you and punches you in the gut and the next day turns up at your door with dozens of roses, you honestly dont know wtf you are suppose to do. Yes. I think I will pass on the exquisite insane romance, thank you very much.

Sigh, my minds really jumbled at the moment as I write this, but hey this is my blog and it definitely says its my train wreck of thoughts in the top right hand corner so I can write as I please :P

I think the most ironic part is I feel like I have lived a previous chapter of my life, except I get to experience how the other party felt. Same words were exchanged, same hateful remarks were exchanged, everything's been the same, except the roles have been reversed. Nope, it hasn't been fun this side of the table either.

Haha, sometimes people say stuff to you and assume things of you and label you as a person where you are left shocked, standing and honestly speechless, because you dont know how to correct them or if saying anything would really make a difference.

Today, I have been labeled as a cheat, dirty, confused and messed up person and Im just... I dont know what to say. Theres nothing I can say that will make a difference, so therefore I didn't say anything at all.

What's worst is to know that this particular person is probably going to be screaming at the top of the lungs telling the whole world the kind of person Im. Whats stranger is, I was apparently the most perfect being in the whole wide world in this person's eyes. LOL, strange the way things change in an instant?

And... Im not that person... at least I didn't want to be that person. Situations turned me into something that I dont like myself. But I know, Im not that person, that is not my nature.

I sincerely hope, people will not make judgements of me because of somebody elses nay says and know me for real. But I guess, we are all bad bad bad bad villains in somebody's life.

I hope, this chapter does not repeat again. I hope I can break this stupid vicious cycle.

Food for thought

2010-06-21T22:56:00.003+10:00

Love is not enough, its almost enough.

Think about it.

Set your Heart free...

2010-06-17T21:57:00.005+10:00

Only then may you know what it is you truly want.

<3

Rediscovering yourself

2010-06-16T18:06:00.005+10:00

"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves."
- Henry David Thoreau

I remember myself being this extremely diligent person that you would mistake me for being a masochist who likes to torture herself with hours and hours of study, that at that time were preps for Advanced level board exams.

Im not one to boast, but I believe my concentration and focus were a lot more intense than what it is right now. I would wake up at 4am and study till I felt like I would puke. The thing is, I actually liked that. Being that mentally exhausted that you feel like you can't think anymore or talk anymore.

I was a hardworking motivated and ambitious person.

Somehow all that has changed ever since I started university. Why? is it because university is just a different ball game altogether? Is that what has dampened my spirits? Is that what has dampened my desire for perfection and excellence in everything I do? Is that what has made me a lazy moderate working person who doesn't look for perfection anymore?

I was rather miserable when I started discovering all that fire that I had in me was... fading away. I struggled to keep it alive, yet I feel like I finally gave in and let it extinguish altogether.

A lot of my confidantes say its just because University isn't like High school, you are competing with the cream of the crop, if you know what I mean. However, that doesnt explain my lack of motivation?

Even now, it is finally my last year and Im looking forward to just finishing this damned year so maybe I dont have to face this dreaded epiphany, but somehow I feel like I have lost myself over the years.

I dont know what I want anymore, I feel like Im following dreams and plans I had laid out for myself when I was 16 years old eager to excel. I feel like Im following someone else's dreams.

Im almost too scared to really explore what I want because I feel like maybe a part of me will not want what I have at the present anymore. Maybe a part of me doesn't really want to be an engineer anymore. I'm afraid that what I want in the present will make everything I have accomplished to date completely useless to me.

And that is. Scary.

Maybe taking an year off to myself next year won't be such a bad thing where I can really decide what I want now, not follow some 16 year old's dreams. Scary, scary, scary.

Amazing how much fear can stop you from realizing what you really want in life. Fear of acceptance, fear of rejection, fear of shame, humiliation, of failing. Fear fear , paralyzing fear.

I feel like a lost lamb. Scared.

"There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
- Anaïs Nin

_____________________
Listening to Exile- Kiss you

http://yyan.deviantart.com/art/LOST-48179039?q=boost%3Apopular+lost&qo=21

Hello, we meet again

2010-06-13T23:30:00.003+10:00

The funny thing about getting hurt and break ups and betrayals and yadda, is that you forget how it feels like.
And then you are reminded of it again.
This empty, follow sad feeling.
Sigh,
Empty, void, hollow.

Whats worst is when you think someone can't hurt you anymore and bang, they are still capable of hurting you again.
Sigh....

Lifes no good right now

Postponed

2010-06-13T16:33:00.002+10:00

Lately a lot of my posts have been something about dealing with dilemmas, maybe because Im facing one that I do not like one bit.

Sometimes I feel like I have come to some kind of clarity, except maybe subconsciously I dont like it and hence push that clarity away and Im yet again plunged into the darkness of my own creation.
Sigh.
Stupid subconscious.

_____________________
Listening to Shayne Ward- No you hang up

Lets grow up

2010-06-11T12:51:00.003+10:00

I woke up and the first thing I usually do is check facebook and I saw something that I did not like.
It made me angry and jealous and I was about to do something that I always do, that isnt very "grown up like". Write an angry impulsive letter.

I didnt.
I stopped for a moment, decided to walk out my room without doing anything and then come back later. I still havent done anything, and it feels good.
I realised what I did, I didn't react to my emotions, I decided to just let it be and let it go.

Maybe small changes you make to your idiosyncrasies, does better for you in the long run.
If growing up means, leaving behind some negative aspects of yourself, maybe growing up isn't all too bad.

With great power...

2010-06-08T21:38:00.005+10:00

comes great ecstasy.

Sometimes I think that I would probably be one of the worst people to cross if I had the money, power and the resources to utterly and completely destroy one's life.
Yes, I probably would be corrupted by power. Maybe thats why some people just dont have that kind of power and money because of the amount of damage they could make.

Hah.

When our eyes met.

2010-06-02T03:14:00.006+10:00

For a fleeting moment, our eyes met and time stopped. Everybody stopped moving. It was only me and him and him and me. In this one moment. Just us. There was a connection so strong that you could touch it. Seconds passed, Minutes passed.

Our eyes broke contact and the moment was gone.

One of my closest friends once said, its the choices that you DONT make that you regret the most. In life we come to roads that divide and we are left standing there trying to decide which way to go. Surely you may pick one road and enjoy it thoroughly, but you would always wonder what the other road would have been like.
Decisions, decisions. They are so hard to make, when things are equally amazing on both sides, with subtle differences.

http://viktorbog.deviantart.com/art/When-our-eyes-met-150615084?q=boost%3Apopular+when+our+eyes+met&qo=38

Hate to disappoint, but

2010-05-23T14:50:00.002+10:00

Sometimes people expect certain things from you. Sometimes people feel a certain way about you.
Think of you in a certain way. Believe in you a certain way.

And you are not sure if you really reciprocate. You are not sure if you believe in the same things that they do or think of yourself the way they do.

You WISH, you did believe in the same things, because it is so hard to disappoint them and turn them down.

Sigh, I wish things were a simple yes or no, a black and white, a simple cut clean. But it isnt.

:(

I hate to disappoint extraordinary people who believe so strongly in me.

Conscience Absence

2010-05-07T01:12:00.003+10:00

"Conscience is an aptitude, faculty, intuition, or judgment of the intellect, that distinguishes whether one's prospective actions are right or wrong by reference to norms (principles and rules) or values. In psychological terms conscience is often described as leading to feelings of remorse when a human does things that go against his/her moral values, and to feelings of rectitude or integrity when actions conform to such norms."

^{Yes I very well wiki-ed that. Just so that we know what the hell is this conscience thing we keep talking about. Sitting across my laptop, staring blankly at the screen my mind started to wander into the past. Just you know, having one of those "self-reflection" times. I realised how this particular thing I used to do and still do used to bother me back then. It would nag and nag and nag at me. I would be in a}^{tough predicament with myself wondering "How could I be doing this? This is wrong, this is simply wrong, I shouldn't be doing this"
Oh but it felt so good.}
^{So I kept doing it. Lets call it Hobby A :P
So my "conscience" which I believe is to be a mindset that each of us has that says what is}^r^{ight and wrong for us according to our standards. My conscience kept nagging at me, yet I continued hobby A with a lot of self doubt and guilt.}
^{Until one day... the nagging just stopped.

Why?}
^{Is it like how they say "You lie enough times that it becomes the truth?" By carrying out Hobby A, I have changed what I used to perceive as right and wrong? Most likely. The guilt has gone, the nagging has gone, there is only peace of mind and of course hobby A.}
^{So people wonder and ask you "How could you do that? Dont you have a conscience? Did you not feel guilty?"...

Well, I do have a conscience, it is just different to what it used to be and probably by waiting out my guilt I have meant the death of my old ethical and moral standards.

I guess conscience is all relative. What is normal for one person isnt normal for someone else, yet we judge and point fingers and say "you do not have a conscience"

So, if conscience were a set of beliefs and principles on which we build our character and they could be changed by simply "Waiting out the guilt" or performing a certain activity enough times that it became just normal, when do we stop having a conscience?

Is there even such a thing called having no conscience. After all by the above definition, it is simply what WE define our moral standards to be. Maybe even psychopaths who rape women and kill children have a conscience, its just not normal relative to ours.

So maybe we can change our conscience, our mindset, our beliefs, principles but along with that we change who we are as a person and at the end of the day as long as we are happy with who we are becoming, maybe changing your conscience isn't such a bad thing at all.}
http://bittersweetvenom.deviantart.com/art/My-conscience-145775971

Mythical Creature

2010-04-08T12:28:00.005+10:00

It was so bright I could hardly see,
This big flash of white light,
That felt soft to me,
There she was standing on the top,
Beautiful creature, goddess

My heart started palpitating,
My eyes watered,
I was out of breath
For the sight that beheld me
Was so ethereal, out of this world.

She descended upon me,
Whispered sweet nothings,
I did not understand anything,
For I was too mesmerized by her beauty.

She had a look of concern on her face,
She was trying to convey something,
Yet I could not understand
For I was too stunned to hear.

She looked at me, with those sad eyes,
Tried to speak again,
I like a fool without a tongue,
Just stared at her beauty.

She turned around and started to walk away,
I didnt want her to go, I tried to speak
Only to hear some nonsensical speech,
and before I knew it, she was gone
With that big flash of white light.

I just stood there, trying to believe what I saw
Then I heard a faint whisper
An echo of her voice,
"Im no Goddess, you are the one who has placed me on this pedestal"

Sometimes we humans put things on a pedestal, that need not be there. In the end, it is only us who gets hurt.
Its not even fun to be the one to be placed on a pedestal, because all you want to say is "Please bring me down, its lonely up here"

You know what the worst thing is? To realise what a hypocrite you are. To realise that you are upset over something someone else is doing, when you are doing the same thing and probably even worse in comparison.
You hate others for being a hypocrite, until you catch yourself being one.
This really sucks.

What also sucks is manipulative people who tell you half the truth. Its like buying a fridge, they say the company is great and everything but you take it home only to find out that the pump is broken.
Sigh,

SUCCCKKKKKSSSSSS

Listening to Last Kiss- Pearl Jam
___________________________

http://ladyofvelvet.deviantart.com/art/Undiscovered-Memories-II-102158277

Acid Reflux

2010-04-05T18:20:00.003+10:00

Whats this funny feeling I feel,
Its coming from below my lungs,
Somewhere in between,
It feels like fire
Racing across my chest.

Oh but wait,
Its only a heart burn
Acid reflux
Which shall pass

Its always hard to see people move on and see their paths separate from yours. It happens all the time, and every time its hard.
You weep a few tears, sleep a few sleepless nights until eventually racing pain becomes a lul thud and eventually nothing.

It is so sad, to see something end.

Listening to Sweet love for planet earth
____________________

Sparkling diamond or lumpy gray graphite?

2010-03-18T21:43:00.004+11:00

If you had the choice between borrowing a polished diamond and owning a graphite stone hoping one day it would turn diamond. What would you chose?

Both have their pros and cons.

Lets talk about borrowing the polished diamond.
Its beautiful, its perfect, and you can get it without having to work for it. Without having to put 14,500 atm worth of pressure on it long enough to turn into one. Its there... in all its glory, sparkling.
You can have it and probably feel like the luckiest person alive. Feel happy by its radiating glow. However, its only borrowed, some day you will no longer possess it. Its all momentary, lasting just for a fleeting while.
BUT it is MESMERIZING.

Second choice, you have this ugly gray looking slippery graphite. No beauty what so ever. You can however keep applying a very high pressure at a high temperature and hope, hope and hope it would turn to diamond one day. That one day, you can posses your very own diamond. Just not now. Maybe you might never possess it and all you would have is years of hard work. However, if you do.. it is all yours to keep.

I really hope, you dont think I'm talking literally :) none of my posts really are like that.

Im infact talking how choosing between the two options, defines one as a person.

If you are Person A, choosing the polished diamond. You live for the moment, you seize it when it comes, wring every pleasure out of it while you can and you have absolutely No regrets.

If you are Person B, choosing the gray slipper graphite and working hard on it. You are someone who plans for the future, who keeps looking into the future and works hard to make that future. You hardly really notice the present.

Both approaches to life have their +'s and -'s ... A present person is so busy just enjoying the present, that they never really think far ahead to actually foretell problems and hence have a back up plan if things go wrong. However, the way they live their life, it is carefree, stress free and happy. They are probably people who are on a sail boat without a motor on it, just sailing through life without any care. If something actually does fuck up, it catches them by surprise.
I also do believe, that these kind of people are extremely fun to be and are probably a bit unpredictable. Or may be not

A future person is so busy plotting their future, they forget about their present ! They are so busy mulling over something that may or may not happen, that their present just slips by... and they dont exactly have much to look back at. I would think, that these kind of people are very cautious by nature and are essentially good planners and maybe a bit anal if things dont go according to plan :) ... Or maybe not. But what about the present !!! You are so busy digging up your garden, you dont notice the rose in your path!

So yes, we do need to maintain a nice lovely balance between planning out the future and living the moment, however if given this choice between choosing a polished diamond and a lump of graphite, which category would you fall into?

"Save the world so you don't have to save yourself.
You save the world so you don't have to look at yourself.
And fill the void left inside your fragile hearts.
Those haunted images never left you alone"

- Ashes Divide- Forever can be

Listening to Ashes Divide- Forever can be
_________________________________

http://focus.aps.org/files/focus/v22/st5/coal_diamond.jpg

"How Naive"

2010-03-14T10:42:00.004+11:00

One of my younger cousins sent me this invitation to a group he created called "long distance relationships can work if you really are in love!"

...

and I sighed and ignored the invitation thinking "how naive"

When you are 16, you are so full of hope and love and think anything is possible. Pigs can fly, there are always good endings and yes, long distance relationships really can work.
hahahahahaahahaha... and you HONESTLY believe that you are mature enough to make decisions of the world. LOL. God

Then you turn 19, have your heart broken, face the first brick walls of life, bad people win... suddenly life is not all bed of roses anymore.
You are wavered, but yet optimistic. Surely, life can't be that bad. We pick ourselves up after the brief dark moment and move on with life. However, we do realize just how naive and young we were when we were 16.

Then you turn 22... yea, the world isn't so pretty anymore. Theres no more right and wrong, theres no more bad people or good people. Everything is SO jumbled. Everything is SO complicated. Nothing makes sense. Nothing is simple. Everything hurts. Life hurts.
You become cynical, jaded and a tad bit realistic from the usual bubbly cheery hippie optimistic person you once used to be. Life makes you jaded. You look back at when you were 19, and think "how naive was I?"

At this rate, Im pretty sure I will be looking back when I turn 25, 27, 30 etc... and look back at all the significant moments in life and think to myself "man I was so naive" lol and to think Im mature enough to make the decisions of the world. Maybe Im not. Maybe I do need guidance from someone else. Someone who has already gone through life like I have. Some people do that, and some people dont. I tend to fall in the latter. Sometimes you can dish out all the advice in the world to someone, and they will not understand it, until they have fallen down scraped their knee and got back up from it.

I yearn for simpler times when you could be that naive...

P.S I eventually joined it, just to make my lil cousin happy :)

Listening to She will be loved- Maroon 5
_______________________________

http://kagoru-chan.deviantart.com/art/Naive-115523225

2010-03-14T01:52:00.002+11:00

Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never knew

This is not a quote by me, it is actually one of my friends status messages and kind of hit home :)

Flickering lights

2010-03-07T20:41:00.005+11:00

Lil Bro: Hey sis, do you have GHOSTS in your room?

Me: Huh? Wtf? What are you talking about ?

Lil Bro: Do you have ghosts in your room??

Me: What the hell?!

Lil Bro: I saw lights flickering in your room and I just came downstairs :S

Me: Oh right... yea they do that... maybe its shitty electrical wiring

Lil Bro: So its normal?

Me: Yea its normal (unsure)

Lil Bro: Okay cool

Me: Thinks to herself: Great, Im going to sleep really good tonight -_-

Listening to Kiss- I was made for loving you
____________________________________

http://galdebar.deviantart.com/art/Horror-35619778

Gung-ho

2010-03-04T20:29:00.003+11:00

I was just called that by my tap dancing instructor, because I tap dance with a lot of power xD

aaaaahh... I have always loved dancing from the bottom of my heart. It is so great to do something that you have always wanted to do. You know, put a tick against one item on the list of "to do stuff before dying" hehe.

If I wasn't a typical desi kid raised to chose from a white collar job, I would totally have gone into performing arts :D

The Fallen

2010-03-01T15:05:00.004+11:00

Fallen from grace
Onto this dirty ground
Mud in my face
Strange world all around

I have broken my wings
For the sake of feeling
Of being alive
For experience

Dear, but it came at a cost
Once pure and innocent
Now smeared with the seven sins
Lust, greed, gluttony, jealousy
Wrath, pride and not to forget, envy

Is this what it means to be human?

In your shoes

2010-02-28T11:58:00.005+11:00

They say that you can never truly understand someone unless you have been in their shoes. Gone through exactly what they have. Forced to make the same choices as they have.
It's so true.

Recently I feel like the great one upstairs has given me some crash course to step in the shoes of every person in my past life.
Its horrible :(
Suddenly, its not black and white anymore. Its all grey. There were obviously people in the past who have hurt me alot and I always categorized them as the "bad" people in my head. Right and wrong. Good and bad. I never understood what they did and why they did it and most importantly, HOW could they ?

Yet, I feel like I have been in each and everyone one of them and god I actually understand what they did and why they did. Suddenly, they are not bad people anymore. There really arent any bad people, there are just people who make bad judgment calls and other people become collateral damage. They are confused and misguided and it is all a shade of grey.

Hah... I have lived so little... I never thought that I could commit such sins, that never ever would I do something like that. Yet here Im committing the very sins I hated people for previously. I hate how I feel. I wish I never had to have such knowledge :( I wish everything was back to being black and white. Bad and good people. Right and wrong.
Sigh.

I think it takes the longest and the most courage to forgive yourself for your mistakes.
What Im really afraid of is now that I have this knowledge, this experience, will I make the same judgment calls again?

Such empathy comes with such great chaos.
http://propaganda-panda.deviantart.com/art/walking-in-my-shoes-128957756

Shame shame

2010-02-23T19:02:00.004+11:00

“I think we all wish we could erase some dark times in our lives. But all of life's experiences, bad and good, make you who you are. Erasing any of life's experiences would be a great mistake.” -Luis Miguel

I think we all make mistakes, small ones, big ones, good ones, bad ones and some mistakes that are simply unforgivable and unforgettable.
Some mistakes leave you damaged, scattered, shattered and unrecognizable.

Today I have hurt 3 people, myself included. Some mistakes make you lose yourself, they morph you into something so unrecognizable that you can't even bring yourself to look in the mirror. You dont know who you have become. Some mistakes make you afraid to look at yourself again. Afraid to look inside and find that deep dark abyss in you.

It really is a test of strength of character. A lot of people go spiraling downwards and very few manage to barely pick themselves up, look in the mirror and say " It's okay, you are only human, a complicated inexperienced simpleton human being who makes irreversible stupid judgment calls".

I don't think growing up is fun anymore. I think I have changed so much as a person from that gullible innocent 16 year old, that I dont recognise myself anymore. Im not even sure if I like what Im turning into.

Alas, what we can only do is pick up our pieces and try to fit them again and try to be a better person another day.

I'm sorry to everyone I have hurt, including myself.

I hope one day I can get out of bed and like who I'm again.

Well, this sucks

2010-02-19T01:29:00.005+11:00

Love triangles are no fun.

Its like a threesome, one is always left out in the end.

:(

Wonder how Archie finally chose?

Listening to Your Hand In Mine- Explosions in the sky
___________________________

http://amigoamiga.deviantart.com/art/MINE-154114577

Food for the heart broken

2010-02-02T13:36:00.001+11:00

I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.

Marilyn Monroe

When you are feeling suicidal

2010-01-31T13:35:00.002+11:00

V says:
*no
*I wish I cud die right now
*problem solved
*get hit by a bus
*everyones happy 8-)
X says:
*doubt that
*esp with melb public transport..
*on a sunday...
V says:
*LOLL
X says:
*u might be waiting a LONG time
V says:
*HAHAHAHAHAH
V says:
*DUDE i just said I wish I wud diue
*die*

lol... such are my friends :D *Love them*

Choosing between sense of self and selflessness

2010-01-29T20:47:00.005+11:00

" If mothers were flowers, I would pick you"

I was sitting here staring at my screen trying to find the best way to start this blog and this is the first thought that came to my head.

We women, in the past have always played the role of the home maker. Someone who is a stay at home mother, taking care of kids while the father is the bread winner of the family. However, as time has moved forward so have we. Most of us no longer are satisfied with just playing the home maker role and want something more personally fulfilling. We want to be our own person, have our own identity apart from being a loving mother, a dutiful wife and etc etc...

So how do we obtain our own identity? well I'm guessing lots of women have different ways of finding a way to be just- Themselves. One category of women I would like to mention are the ambitious, successful and intelligent career oriented women. Women who want to make something of themselves in the field they are working in. I happen to be one of them.

Now its all good if you just want to be married to your career, most women are satisfied with that. Obviously men in their world can not give the same satisfaction as their careers ;) (haha m kidding, or m I ?) but what about women who want both ? Want a career and a happily ever after with a lovely husband, 3 beautiful kids and a lovely house to go home to ?

Thinking over it, I realise that maybe it is just not possible to have both. You could either have a smashing career and a real reputation in your field. Or you could be great among your kids and spouse and have a lovely healthy relationship with them and never miss a school play or a soccer game. Boo-hoo, pick one. First choice would probably leave you feeling satisfied with life and accomplised. Second choice leaves you with a feeling of belonging, love, care, cherish.

Well okay, if you are a teacher or an artist or are involved in some other profession that doesn't require you to work all the time, you could possibly get away with it. What about people like doctors, engineers, CEOs and people in many more demanding occupation. Can we really have it all ?

It's not a wonder men are the dominating species of this world for centuries. It's as if who ever created this world meant for women to never really be a bread winner but instead be a home maker. Just because we are not asexual beings capable of reproducing with ourselves :P (hey wouldn't that just make life so much easier?) Just because we women are given the gift of life. Hence the whole mother bonding, taking care of kids thing. Grrrr... I already don't like the creator.

Sure there are men out there who don't mind being stay at home dads, but lets just get real, are there many out there ? :)

So we are stuck between the choice of either raising good decent kids, and hope for the best they turn out to be good citizens and in the process pause our career climb and pray to god by the time you get back into the field, the technology hasn't evolved so much that its beyond your imagination, let alone knowledge. Or second really do focus on the career, but possibly sacrifice a relationship with your kids and spouse in the process. Its not exactly a win -win situation :(

Nowadays, government are trying to help single moms, or married working moms by introducing maternal leave and part time work and all that, yet it's still not easy to maintain that balance.

I know many would say that when you have a child, the child instinctively becomes first priority. I would like to have kids some day and by god I'm gonna love the lil bugger with all my heart, but I still wouldn't want to lose my sense of self on the way to parenting.

Some days, its awesome to be a women and some times it really really reallllyyyy SUCKS.

Listening to Evanescence- My immortal
_________________________________

http://just-joking.deviantart.com/art/Balancing-Act-II-79072087

2010-01-27T16:27:00.001+11:00

Can't live with you, can't live without you.

Bah! Why is life so complicated >_<

Listening to Owl City- Fireflies
_______________

Still Fresh

2010-01-24T15:45:00.004+11:00

People always make up stupid reasons to feel better after losing someone. Experience means a lot, it makes you stronger, its character building, he was just not worth it, he was an ass, you could do better thank god you got out when you could. Etc etc etc...

But honestly, regardless of all the experience in the world and the wisdom of some old sage, I still wish I was one of those people who got it right the first time around. To never know what it feels like to get your heart broken, to know the 'ex-files', to know what it feels like to see them move on and see them with some one else, to know the word 'complicated'.

You would think something gets easier if you have been through it enough of times. Nope. Its never easy any time. It still feels fresh like the first cut you got.

Listening to Lullaby- The cure
__________________________

http://light-from-emirates.deviantart.com/art/Heart-151474461

The forbidden fruit in the garden of Eden

2009-12-24T23:42:00.007+11:00

For starters heres a poem I found written by someone, link is at the bottom:

I am my own Rapist,
My own Victim.
I don't agree or refuse,
Just take it,
Close my eyes and pretend it's not real.
I'm not here,
I'm elsewhere.
Considering the chores that need to be done,
What to make for dinner,
Thinking of anything but what you're doing to me.
I could never say no to you,
I could never say no to anyone.
I just keep my mouth shut like a good little girl.
So take advantage of this People Pleaser,
I'm made to do anything you want,
With a smile on my face.
The best model yet,
I don't feel a thing.
Do what you want with me,
You're not to blame,
I never said no.
I am my own Rapist.

http://koijester.deviantart.com/art/People-Pleaser-ver-2-0-137251855

We all have some sort of invisible ropes that hold us back from getting what we really want. These ropes may come as society rules, friends, family, career etc...
Things that we have to factor in before jumping into a decision that could potentially affect many people.

Having friends and family is great, really great but what if factoring them into your decisions means giving up something that makes you happy. All our lives we make decisions to ensure that it wouldn't hurt other peoples feelings or that it fits into other peoples frame of mind and set rules.
Im envious of people who are capable of just saying "screw you all" and do exactly what they want and be what they want to be.

I wish things were that easy in life. It makes sense to say to yourself, that hey if something makes me happy, then everyone who truly loves me and cares for me should be happy for me too.
Meh. Easier said than done. Things are alot more complicated than that. Years of relationship can be destroyed just by a decision or choice you make. So is your own happiness worth all that loss?
Its like you choose to follow your happiness but end up losing nearly everyone you love. You chose to follow their happiness but you end up being miserable. Its a double edged sword.

sigh. Most often than not, some people just do what other people expect them to do and want of them, rather than do what makes one happy.

I love my family and friends, and I wouldnt want to throw it away, but nor m I the self-sacrificing type to do what other people expect me to do just so they can be happy.

At the end of the day, I dont do what people expect me to do because thats not what I want. I dont do what I want to do because it would hurt alot of people. End result: no ones happy

Ideal situation ? yea, think not. Guess it all falls down to how selfish or self-sacrifing people pleaser are you.

Again, I wish it was as easy as to just say "fck you all"

Sigh. Argh. Why cant life be just like a fairytale with a promise of a good happily ever after ending :(

“We look before and after, And pine for what is not: Our sincerest laughter With some pain is fraught; Our sweetest songs are those that tell of saddest thought.” - Percy Bysshe Shelley

P.S I feel like Im stuck in a story of Romeo and Juliet

http://saraveggie.deviantart.com/art/People-Pleaser-97041741

B-r-r-e-a-a-k-k-k-u-p-p-ps

2009-12-16T00:57:00.005+11:00

Breaking up with someone is never easy. There are like a gazillion reasons why you would decide to split, but given a choice which of those reasons would you actually pick ?

Im going to roughly place the reasons into two different categories. One where your partner cheats on you, is impossible to live with, has an incurable flaw, wants different things in life.
Two... not the right time, not the right place, basically everythings working out just dandy except theres some stupid reason that comes in between of actually being together.

Number 1 involves a great deal of pain, trust issues, commitment issues etc... all the emotional baggage you could think of. However, in the long run its alot easier to let go of the person because you have a LOGICAL reason to not to be with them.

Number 2... wait let me expand on this. You meet this person and they are absolutely perfect. Yea yea no ones perfect, but in this instance they are just the right fit for you. They have everything you have always dreamt in a partner, they just... GET YOU... do you know how hard it is to find someone who just GETS you?
Anyhoo, and for some stupid reason like religion or not the 'right time' or culture or nationality or because one is moving away or god knows what else, you can't be with them.

It is possibly the worst breakup one could experience. Its gut wrenching and you can feel your heart jsut drop down to the ground. Because logically to us it doesnt make sense, unless the person had some flaw, our minds cant process why you can not be with someone who is just... so right for you... out of the thousands and millions of people you have met or dated... you find someone who fits you right.. and suddenly you have to let them go ?

I mean how do you even begin to get over someone like that? How do you even love another ? When that person is always going to be there sitting in some corner of your heart.

Imagine this: your most favourite precious possession, may it be a camera, art book, that shade of lipstick, that black dress, that smooth pen... get my drift? Imagine having to throw it away just cause the sky is blue

o_0

It is something like that.

Jeez... I prefer choice Number 1. If I found someone who just got me, I would have a hard time making any sense of letting them go.

http://shapelessvengence.deviantart.com/art/i-loved-you-105533648

Change of luck

2009-12-08T20:51:00.003+11:00

arrrrrggghhhhhh

Just last week I was having the most unbelievable week ever. Everything was perfect. Everything was going according to plan. Everything was as it was suppose to be. Everything was right. Everything was working ! I had such a great week!

But ofcourse, it has to be balanced by an equally bad week.. or atleast Im assuming it to be the start of a very very very very very very very very very very bad week.

Today I woke up and it was fucking raining. That was enough indication. Went to the labs, NOTHING was working, couldn't get any of my results that I got previously. It was sooooo IRRITATING and FRUSTRATING. Now imagine going and telling your supervisor "erm.. it worked last week.. dont know why its not producing the same results given the same parameters this week" :S oh gawd....

and today it feels like every blessing came as a curse in disguise. Something that was suppose to make me feel elevated and feel so great about myself is causing so much extra stress. Its rather annoying.

To top it all, leading a very unsure life in which you have absolutely NO clue about where your life is headed after one year and one possibility that you clearly absolutely DISLIKE that is most likely to happen. Its like yea sure you have to wait one whole year to finally find out where your life is headed... wait for it to all just come together, but Im not a person of patience. I hate waiting and I hate not knowing. I hate it if I dont know where Im headed off in another years time. I hate walking blind folded and this is absolutely making me miserable. Miserable like anything.

Argh.... :(

Im having a bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad day
Im going to go ahead and break that no chocolate for a week policy I had held over my head for the past few weeks. I need something to cheer me up.

Desi Mom's

2009-12-03T22:14:00.003+11:00

If the following is the reaction from your mom, you can be pretty darn sure you have a desi mom.

Girl: Mom! Did Dad tell you about the Scholarship I was offered?

Mom: Oh no he didn't, but congratulations sweety

Girl: Dad didnt tell you... ? Go ask him!

Mom: Oh k I will

Girl after being agitated that her mother wasnt excited as she was: Mom!!! I got a scholarship to do a phD if I wanted!!!!

Mom: What? a phD? How long is that?

Girl: I dont know.. 3 or 4 years.. but mom! scholarship to do a phD !!!!

Mom: Oh no... no no no... its too long.. you need to get married have kids!

Girl thinks to herself WTF: WHAT ?! MOM! SCHOLARSHIP!!! nearly 20 grand!!!!!! to do a phD !!!!!!!

Mom: yea but... its too long... when will you get married?

Girl: I dont wanna get married !!!

Mom: What nonsense, everyone wants to get married, do we have to keep taking care of you?

Girl:... :| I can live by myself!

Mom: No, which girl does that?

Girl pulls hair out of frustration

Oh dear god... sweet dear caring desi mothers

your Loss

2009-11-21T03:02:00.005+11:00

Losing someone is always the hardest thing.

You become so accustomed to their presence that you take them for granted.
Once they became a part of your life, you cherished everything about them. Just cause it was something new in your life.
Although, as time flew you take them for granted.

And suddenly, they are gone. Just like that. Leaving a gaping, aching hole inside of you.

Im not talking about just break ups. Im talking about losing friends because you have moved to a new place. Im talking about losing people because of some freak accident.
One second they are there and the next they are not.

Everything feels so surreal... like our mind cant register their absence..we are in denial... then we feel angry... then sad and finally accept it...

However the whole process of healing is really an annoying thing. I have mentioned this before, but it all comes in waves. Its horrible and I wish we could just quickly skip this part and get to the feeling better for good part.

Its like, you finally feel like you have accepted losing someone and you can finally drag your body out of the bed and actually DO something.
Its hardly been a minute and suddenly, the whole pain comes back washing you, dragging you back to bed where you can hide from the reality and pretend the time has stopped.

I absolutely hate this part.
Thank god for friends and family who bully you around and be your life support for until you feel alive again.
Thank god.

http://bobakey.deviantart.com/art/Losing-Grip-18499880

Not man enough to handle it

2009-11-10T18:01:00.003+11:00

One of those "wtf" conversations with a friend of mine...

X: I think

noooo

like dead

the plug

kinda camem out

*came

me: ??

X: my adapter

is a female

me: wtf !

r u talking about

X: and it connects to the male attached to mylaptop

wait

okay

listen

the tech term

5:20 PM like

look at you are adapter

the part which protudes out

its called the male end

me: lol

X: and the socket in the wall

has a hole, its called the female end

so my adapter has a female head

and my laptop the male head

well, my laptops male head just snapped off :S

5:21 PM me: LOLLLLLLLL

I dont think it was man enough to handle the female

HAHAHAHAH

this is going in my blog

X: haha

or it was the vicious female

me: :P

X: wanting the prized position

the male head :P

me: good god now u r killing it

Cant live with you, can't live without you

2009-11-10T17:17:00.003+11:00

Heres something I have quoted from a friend and I found it just absolutely beautiful :)

"Impossible to live with you. But I could never live without you. For whatever you do. I never want to be in love with anyone but you"

http://herohosami.deviantart.com/art/Melting-Love-116924077

Inside of Love

2009-11-10T13:10:00.001+11:00

This is such a beautiful song :) Hope you like it as much as I did

Lets switch roles

2009-11-09T15:19:00.002+11:00

I hate it how guys go all stereo-typical of girls when they are in their monthly cycles. They brush off all our comments, opinions and how we feel and chalk it up to us being bitchy, cranky and hormonal. They dont take us seriously, moreover mock us.

Heres something I want to say to all you macho men out there

If you were bleeding out of your penis 24 hrs 7 days a week every month and had cramps and pains in your balls.

I can get bet any thing you would be as whiny, bitchy and cranky as we are, if anything, you would be even more.

So stop trying to be so macho

*Eh, I bet many girls would have wanted to say this*

Blue blue and blue

2009-11-06T23:29:00.004+11:00

I have this feeling near my heart
A stretchy uneasy feeling
That just wont go away
Until I see you again

How can missing you
Be such a pleasure
and such a hell?

Without you the world is
Blue blue and blue
I just need you to come back
Because Im missing you like hell

One can not describe missing someone unless you go through it yourself, its a sad awful feeling :(

http://paranoia--7.deviantart.com/art/Missing-You-114267920

"He left me for another woman.."

2009-11-03T19:39:00.002+11:00

This is an extract from my previous blog that I thought I would share here :)

"If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll be married to a man who cheats on his wife" ~ Ann Landers

Whenever I have thought about why people would commit to such a hurtful low act... why why why would they do that ? why hurt you like that ?? WHY... I have always shut it away saying thats just because thats who they are.. they are cheaters... they cheat on you... thats their nature.. they are weak weak human beings...
until today.. where I was reallly thinking.. why da heck do ppl cheat on their loved ones?

I think there are many reasons as to why ppl would cheat on someone..
One of the reasons is possibly because something is lacking from their current relationship...
He/ she doesnt give you enough time.. doesnt make u feel loved anymore... desired... important.. appreciated...happy...it could be any of the reasons... anything thats lacking from the relationship... even physical attraction or satisfaction...

Now I think there are two kinds of ppl... one who actually stay loyal and TRY to get their partner to listen to them n give them their basic needs .. the needs they have from this relationship...
I mean HONESTLY.... when you are with someone.. u DO expect to be treated like you are a queen or a prince ... you do expect a certain amount of attention.. affection... love... my friend.. you wouldnt be human if you didnt have such expectations from your relationship... otherwise why wud u call it a relationship?
n some ppl actually try n try n try to make their partner listen to whats missing in the relationship... but sometimes it goes in vain...

The other kind.. just dont try at all.. they drift away... n I think dats a mistake in itself... because if u dun let ur partner know dat sth is WRONG ... dat theres sth missing in the relationship... how can u fix it?
So in both cases... what may happen is... some stranger may come into their lifes n GIVE them what they are looking for... in their current relationship... n BAM... u find urself sneaking away... giving excuses to ur spouse... the list goes on...

Now there might be some very rare ppl who actually stay loyal even if somethings missing from their relationship n they have done what they could... in this case... I guess the relationship jsut spirals down to a breakup... coz really.. how long can u wait for someone to realise what the hell they are doing ??? esp. with the obvious signs...

and then... another reason maybe... because they are just not into you.. simple as that .. they are not looking for anything serious.. u r not who they want to spend the rest of their lives with... they r having fun... n hence they cud care less about how you feel...dats how it is...
n maybe they run into an old flame they had such immense feelings for .. n things jsut roll into the next... n u kno wat happens... in which case u r defintely not responsible for their actions...

but lets just talk about the first few reasons of infidelity I mentioned...
in such a case... where u r partially responsible for driving them away... because u were not willing to listen to them... n give them their needs.... is it okay to forgive them for such a hurtful act?
I guess in some cases.. if you understand that you somehow drove them away into the arms of another person... you could bring urself to forgive them... but for some its just not that easy... because they dont even believe for one second that they did anything wrong...
so unless she/he was just not that into you.. there are chances that u r partially responsible for them to be cheating on you...

but still... if things are so bad with the person u r with... why cheat? why not just leave them ???
well... maybe because they find the person who are able to fulfill their needs at the tym u r still with that person.. so u didnt actually plan for it happen.. it just happened...
n regardless of da fact that ur current partner gave u reasons to cheat... it still is a wrong act.. n u feel terrible about it.. guilty.. n thats why u hide...

So if they have found some one else... why wont they jsut fess up ?
there maybe several reasons for this as well...
one maybe because they STILL want you... but cant help themselves if someone else if fulfilling their needs
another cud be they feel too cowardly n guilty to confess to you...
n lol.. maybe just to spite you...
I have no idea... actually.. m just making sum intelligent guesses because I have never been on dat side of the situation...

Whatever the case.. I still think that it makes ur life alot less complicated if you have found sumone else who fulfills ur needs dat u just break it off with the other person rather than play a game of hide n seek... :S... imagine the amount of stress of hiding an affair ? yikes... so why do it at all u know...
secondly.. it really is a very very VERY hurtful act.. it can leave the other person feeling inadequate.. unneeded.. unwanted... n some serious issues of self esteem....
I mean I personally think its still wrongg.. no matter what the reason maybe... its a weak weak cowardly act of sin...

So I dont know if cheating is justifiable... but I guess it depends from situation to situation... in some cases it may even be forgivable... but in some.. possibly not...

you are the judge of it all...

http://detourne.deviantart.com/art/The-Other-Woman-III-59747261

Lie, Do not

2009-10-30T21:37:00.003+11:00

This is the last page of the recent Naruto manga chapter 469.
It really touched me hence Im putting it up :)
Funny, manga and anime can give you some real life lessons too ^_^

Experience should not dictate who you are... really?

2009-10-30T20:01:00.006+11:00

I read somewhere once, the following quote that I tried my very best to abide by:

"Experience should not dictate who you are"

However, I have come to realise that it's really quite hard.. if anything, impossible to not be influenced by one's experiences in life and let it determine who we are.

It's even stupid to think that we wouldnt be influenced by such things.
For example, take a plant and place it in bright sunshine where its getting all the goodies. It grows so tall with big green leaves. So happy. However, change the situation and put it in a damp dark place where it's hardly nourished. The plants not going to stay green or tall or happy. Its going to go brown, droop and eventually... die off.

I know its quite a crude analogy to us, but think about it, a plants environment can affect its well-being then why wouldnt experience and our environment change who we are?

Because it DOES change who we are.

I mean take someone who has been lucky in life so far... has the perfect job, life, friends, family etc... but slowly start stripping them off, of all of these things.
Loses job.. okay tries to stay positive.
Loved ones pass away... spirit dampened.. yet tries to see the better of things.
Kids start to hate you... okay... life is beginning to suck.
Wife runs off with best friend.

Fck you life

Yep.. some people are extremely positive.. but I think it only takes a series of bad bad bad experiences to even crack the toughest optimist of them all.

I mean... experience matures you.. conditions you.. and it strips you of your innocence and naiveness.
Its like taking your virginity, rapes you of your gullibility.

After going through some bad relationships or betrayal of friendship... I doubt one could CHEERFULLY say life is GOOD. Everything has meaning.

I mean I have seen it in myself... how experience dictated who I eventually became.
Couple of years ago... I had a bad bad bad experience with someone... and it turned me into this extremely hippie optimistic cheerful person- not because I had a terrible experience- but because thats what I NEEDED to cope up with what just happened.

Something to justify it all and to feel OKAY... to know that something really shitty happened for a REASON. That there is something better out there for me.
I needed to believe it so badly, just to be able to deal with the trauma I went through.

However, with a couple of betrayal by really close friends and significant others. Its just naturally turned me into more of a realistic and skeptic than some freaking bouncing ball jumping around in the sun screaming "EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR THE BEST"...

The funny thing is, even when I try to be upbeat and positive about stuff and look at the bright side. I just cant anymore... because my experience wont allow me too.

Hah, I will quote Einstein on this and its one of my favourite quotes by him:

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result."
Albert Einstein

It definitely is true. Even a kid who gets burned by fire knows not to play with it again.

Alright, so even if we say "okay I had quite a bad experience in love, but that wont change the fact that I still believe in true love"... however if you had many of them.. chances are you would become a skeptic too. I mean... it is only natural that we would approach the same situation with alot more caution than we did at first. Because thats what experience tells us to do.

So, why should we judge people for being miserable bastards who went through alot of hell to make them like that in the first place?
Chances are, you would just be like them if you went through the exact same things.

I used to believe that all the amounts of bad experiences I have had hasnt changed me. But something surprising happened to me and I realised... boy I just dont trust anyone.
I have become this suspicious, skeptic person who just doesnt know how to trust anyone anymore.

Heres another interesting thought. Why do we humans only remember the bad stuff and not the good stuff? Why do bad memories have more impact than the good ones?
We only tend to remember the pain and not the happy moments?

Can we NEVER be happy and satisfied with life?
http://jess-meskell.deviantart.com/art/Experience-28359719
http://flame-of-the-phoenix.deviantart.com/art/Life-Among-the-Dead-128586476

One of those days

2009-10-29T15:47:00.004+11:00

You know when you have one of those days where EVERYTHING is going wrong?

Yep.. having one of those days today

http://walkingdisaster-182.deviantart.com/art/welcome-to-the-real-world-109022258

THAT girl

2009-10-26T23:45:00.004+11:00

Nearly all of us have been unfortunate to comes across 'THAT' girl or 'THAT' guy.. and well its never pleasant is it ?

Okie, so if you are wondering "Wtf is she talking about?" Let me enlighten you.

THAT girl.. or THAT guy.. is that person in your significant others life.. who well.. gets under your skin. They maybe that friendly still-in-love-with-your-gf/bf ex or that extra cuddly friendly girl/ boy 'friend' who seems to never forget to call everyday, that special co-worker. Get my drift?

hehe.. I hope some of your are going like "YES!!!!!"

:P

well anyways... so I used to always be so bothered by these THAT girls... and I hate being the jealous type... its just such an ugly emotion. Until I realised something... I made an interesting observation.

Atleast 2 out of 3 times you date someone, there is more than likely going to be THAT girl.. or THAT guy .
HAH I was so amused by this, that I feel like if theres always going to be THAT person.. why waste your energy on them ?
Cause really, the truth is if your significant other decides to go with this THAT person... then you wouldn't want to be with someone like that in the first place.

So.. here Im shedding my enlightened knowledge upon you and telling you to laugh it off ^_^
THAT girl is always going to be there.
LOL.

The jealous are troublesome to others, but a torment to themselves.
~William Penn, Some Fruits of Solitude, 1693

http://smartybloom.deviantart.com/art/Zutara-Week-Jealousy-133100867

You're Beautiful

2009-10-26T22:39:00.002+11:00

Some people are soooooo good looking and so beautiful to look at, that it makes you cry from the inside. Wishing they would be yours.

So heavenly, so surreal, its like pure beautiful heavenly light has touched you.

Hey, nameless stranger

2009-10-19T23:53:00.005+11:00

The sun shines bright
The grass feels cool
As I lay down
I think of you

I do not know your name
But I know what you are like
You are smart, funny, cute
Hard exterior, soft in the inside

I havent met you yet
Yet I know
you would make me feel
Warm, high and everything good

I dont know you yet
But I feel like I do
You are honest, loyal, strong
Everything I have wished for

Nameless stranger,
How Im waiting for you,
To make my world
Alot brighter

I know not
When I will finally meet you
But when I do
I know it would be

A love of a life time

... This is dedicated to all the people who havent found some one special yet :).. you will find them... just wait and see

http://nebulaskin.deviantart.com/art/Sitting-waiting-wishing-25192123

Suicide note

2009-10-18T14:49:00.002+11:00

X: I was thinking about my suicide note...and I finally decided this is what I would say:
"I couldn't take it anymore..."

Y: Wow, thats so ORIGINAL... thats ALL you are going to say ? This coming from the person who can write a 3000 word essay just describing her feelings?

:P

LOL.

http://inu-girl-kagome.deviantart.com/art/Suicide-Note-53666277

All I need

2009-10-16T12:28:00.004+11:00

I need no fancy jewelery
I need no expensive gadgets
I need no love poems, roses, teddy bears
I need no materialistic stuff

All I really want from you
Is to love me today
Tomorrow, Always and Forever
Love me like you have never
Loved anyone before

All I really need is true love from you
To satisfy my inner childish dreams
Of a picket fence house, kids
and a love that will last forever

P.S If believing in true love, so pure and real is being naive, then maybe I want to be naive.

http://gabatinie.deviantart.com/art/Love-22189965

Im no one's savior

2009-10-15T23:32:00.005+11:00

Everyone in their life want to be some one special
Unique
Different
Somebody or someone who separate from the crowd

For a change Im sick of being some one 'special'
Im so tired of being put on a pedestal and being someone else's moral compass.
Im tired of being some one's sole reason to be alive or some hope of sanity in life.

Im so sick of it all.

Because it comes at a cost. The look of horror, disapproval and disappointment when these people finally realise that you are not some immortal ever strong being.
Just another regular human being that commits sins.

Im not your escape from reality.
Im no ones true love.
Im no ones savior
Im no ones inspiration
Im no one.

I didnt ask to be special. I didnt ask to be put on a pedestal. I never asked to be a moral compass. Im not. Im none of this stuff.

Im so tired of being the source of good. Something pure. Hope. Love. Faith.

Its a burden carrying all these expectations from people. I just want to be myself. Whoever that is.

Im still trying to figure myself out. Its an ongoing journey.

Sometimes I dont even understand myself.
For quite some time now I had been pulled to broken people. Because of the need to fix them. Thinking that I could save them from themselves. I was so wrong. I need not fix anyone. If I cant fix myself, how can I fix anyone else?

Maybe thats why people put me on a pedestal. Sigh.

For once, for a change I just want to blend in. Be the wallpaper. Hide from everyone.

SO sick of being labeled as special.

Im sorry if Im not what you thought I was. I still cant even define myself.

God definitely teaches us life by placing us on either side of the same situation at least once in life.
You cant even be angry with the other person, because you were once this very same person.

Experience robs you of your right to be angry, sad or feel any other emotion.

"Every action has an equal and opposite reaction"

2009-10-12T10:45:00.009+11:00

Desi
	A term referring to something or someone who is from the Indian subcontinent. The Indian subcontinent is comprised of the following major countries: India, Pakistan, Bangladesh, Sri Lanka, Nepal, Bhutan, and the Maldives. Plural form: desis

-UrbanDictionary

So Im talking with my brother and we are having the usual desi conversation about marriages and I tell him "man.. marriages are a big hassle, I dont think I want to get married... m happy as Im"

Now if you are a desi person, you would absolutely understand thats just taboo... A DESI GIRL SAYING NO MARRIAGE - LO AND BEHOLD THE WORLD IS COMING TO AN END

lol... and my brother being the person he is , said shutup you will, we will find you someone
and Im like Bullshit ! not happening ! You wouldnt get me married even if u had a gun to my head !

and hes cracks up saying well then thats what we will do :P

and ever since that talk I went into an absolute frenzy of No to marriage !!!! No no no no AND NO

I have come to realise that maybe Im too selfish of a person to actually have a married life, I think only for myself and I hate compromises, opportunity cost and I value my freedom above everything. Being able to make your own choices and decisions and not be held back by saying "No thats not how a mother of 3 kids is suppose to act like". meh. not for me

But what surprised me most is how when someone tried to force me into something, I had an equal and opposite reaction. I think thats how human psyche works. Its the whole Newtons Third Law thing- "Every action has an equal and opposite reaction".

If you try to make someone love you its going to back fire and explode in your face. Its like reverse psychology.
If you try to force some one into something, even if they might have been slightly inclined to it at first, they would turn and run the opposite direction.

We humans, want to arrive at a decision all by ourselves without anyone's help. We want to believe that our free will has not been taken away and that it is OUR choice, and not someone elses.

Alright okay, so maybe I wasn't so anti- marriages... ummm couple of hours ago, but ever since I had that talk with my brother I cant stop myself from saying "Hell no Im not getting married"
Man, sometimes I just hate being a desi person having a desi life and desi parents. I hate being desi. Because of our fcked narrow mentality. I absolutely HATE it. Sometimes I feel like being a desi- girl is like a curse. Honestly, right now Im formulating plans in my head to get out of this country as far away from my brother or anyone who would pressure me for "marriage" later on, just so that I dont have to deal with it.

Sometimes I wonder, if its better to live all by yourself, without anyone judging you for your choices and mistakes. Without someone constantly telling you how you SHOULD live your life.

I dont understand how people go about having someone else make their decisions of life. How you can let someone else decide what your life is going to be like. Wth?! TAKE CHARGE, its YOUR life, not someone elses painting canvas.

Anyways, back to the point. I have seen this whole reverse psychology everywhere.. everywhere, yet I didnt become completely aware of it until a few hours ago.
You see it everywhere, people trying to make someone love you, parents trying to pressure you into marriage, forcing you to quit something etc.

It JUST doesnt work! Infact you will end up making the person do exactly the opposite thing you want them to do so.

You know what? I dont even get the concept of arrange marriages!
I mean, someone maybe the right person for you LOGICALLY. It would be soooo LOGICAL to get married to them just because they own a car, they have their own house, they live abroad, they have a steady job with a good income, good looks etc. Logically, you guys may seem perfect for eachother. But none of that would really matter if you dont have some sort of feelings for that person. They may even be a great guy at the end of the day, but you are just not into them.

Its funny how, what we feel about something can collapse an 'empire'. If you know what I mean.

The way our desi mentality works, its asif they think marriage is a partnership like a business. You invest in something, produce babies, grow them up and then grow old together.

Thats one of the reasons why I feel so anti-it.

Okay, My idea of marriages?
Well for starters, should be MY CHOICE- not anyone elses- not because Im of "age"- not because by the time I hit 30 the only suitors I would find would be old uncles ageing 40 who are divorced, widowed and with kids- not for any reason except because I found someone I would want to spend the rest of my life with and grow old together.

To be married, you first need to find someone right :)
Its amazing how many people are out there who want to change who you are. So less people actually love you just the way u are. They want to change you into something they would love.
Well, who can blame them? Its just so hard to find the kind of person you are looking for.
Like one of my criteria has always been a non-smoker. Just something about smoking irks me to no ends. In todays world, how many guys would I find who are non-smokers?
Even if I do, there would probably be something else missing.
See how hard it is?

Another thing is freedom. So many many many partners come into your life and try to take charge of it. Fck you, its MY LIFE, control your own life. Its especially common amongst desi people. "I dont like you swimming infront of guys, they can see your body", "I dont like you practicing martial arts, because it involves alot of body contact", "I dont want you doing a phD, who would take care of the family?", "I dont want you working, I want a stay at home mother for my kids", "I dont want you seeing him, he flirts with you", I dont want you doing this that and blah. AAH ! its not worth it !!!! Its like slowly but surely you are LOSING yourself. I dont think, anything is worth losing yourself over.

Although, seeing two of my own relatives SO happily married, marriage probably isnt so bad if you get it right in the first place. If you find that person with who you can be yourself with, with who you wont lose yourself.

"Many people marry for the wrong reasons, among them 1) to overcome loneliness, 2) to escape an unhappy parental home, 3) because they think that everyone is expected to marry, 4) because only "losers" who can't find someone to marry stay single, 5) out of a need to parent, or be parented by another person, 6) because they got pregnant, 7) because "we fell in love," ... and on goes the list."-

Bruce Fisher and Robert Alberti

http://heral.deviantart.com/art/Bad-Marriages-Happen-No-More-69613937

Who will you choose?

2009-10-11T15:08:00.005+11:00

"I think God makes more than one soulmate for every person, and the one you live your life with is just the one you met first. Yeah well, I have a problem. I met all of mine at once." - Anonymous

So heres some food for thought.

I know almost everyone has this defintion of the kind of person they are looking for- credentials.
He/She has to be smart, funny, good looking, non-smoker, active, plays sports, plays music, creative, trustworthy, mature etc etc etc...

However, most often than not, you would notice that two ppl would come together in a relationship and they would be completely different from your list of "credentials"

So whats going on ?

Is it true that at the end of day, you would go with what your heart desires and not what you logically percieve is a better choice for you?
That when it comes to matters of heart we listen to our hearts than our heads?

Hmmm...
Im guessing no one would want to be with someone just because logically it would make sense, but because they absolutely drive you crazy in a good way :)

I always say, when it comes to emotions, nothing makes sense, its best not to try to make sense of it because it is all illogical.

So thats all good, but heres an interesting scenario for you:

You know 2 ppl

Person A- Fits into your list of credentials- the person you have been looking for your whole life- what you need and want at that time- it feels like its too good to be true.
Person A may very well fit into your list of credentials but... may not really be dat crazy about you... I mean they like you...but not in that crazy way everyone wants to be loved.

Person B- Someone you are sort of compatible with but largely not- hardly fit into the description of the type of person you want to be with. But... but but but... are absolutely head over heels in love with you

Who the hell do you choose?
Someone who fits into list of credentials or someone whos absolutely nuts about you?
Mind you,you like them both :)

It is a tough choice isn't it ?
I would love to hear your opinions on this one and which person would you choose? Person A or B ? and why ?????

Im taking a wild stab at this, but I believe the choice would boil down to how you feel about person A or B.
http://paroxee.deviantart.com/art/love-triangle-35813051
http://exotic-freak.deviantart.com/art/love-triangle-86783896

Masochist

2009-10-11T11:24:00.002+11:00

X says:
*man i woke up with so much pain all over my body......
*working out irregularly hurts....
*plus i guess we played too much soccer last nite
Y says:
*loll
*haha
*I kno what u mean
*but u kno
*I love dat pain
*:D
*feels like ur bodys actually building
X says:
*tears up first though......
Y says:
*true true
*but I like that tearing process
*:P
*I dont know
*I enjoy that pain
*man
*dont I sound emo ?

lolllll.....

Epiphany

2009-10-05T23:22:00.003+11:00

So Im being my usual worry wart self worrying and thinking about the future and making future plans in my head.. no actually fantasizing :P... anyways.. and I was mulling over how I would have to be a Big Sister to one of my siblings when my parents decide to send him here.

and it just hit me.
Like a sudden flash of realisation that left me dumbfounded yet enlightened.
Being the elder, I had this natural sense of a need to protect my brother from everything thats harmful here, yet be doing the very same things myself.

It reminded me of how my brother treated me when I first came here, and I absolutely hated him for it. I did not understand why he was so overbearing and overprotective and I hated him for being a hypocrite.

and.. here I was standing in my kitchen, thinking of doing the exact same things my brother did in order to protect my lil bro from going insane with all the freedom he would have here. All the opportunities to be spoiled.

I hate how some things you never understand and you resent the person for doing it, until you are in the very same position and you end up doing the exact same thing, because at that time it was the best thing for you.

Its kind of like being a parent. As a kid, you dont get why parents give so many boundaries, curfew's, why you cant have what the other rich kid has etc... not until you become one and realise what they did was right.

I promised myself how I would never be like my older sibling, never ever. Yet, in some crazy way what he did made some sense. I can only make some sense out of it because I would be placed in that position with the responsibility of looking after someone.

Ugh, I hate being an adult, and I hate realising that what something someone did to you, is probably what you would do given the same situation.

http://lonelymartialartist.deviantart.com/art/Raven-Surprised-23142524

Within reach

2009-10-04T20:03:00.004+11:00

Lately I have been feeling like everything I have ever wanted is like within my reach... just a finger tip away... so close... SO close.. yet so far away.

Sigh... I hate this

THIS
IS
NOT
FAIR

:(

Im just wondering how sometimes we place things on a pedestal ... like people for example. Then you go through life trying to find someone who would fit into that pedestal but never does. You end up yearning for someone you can not have and trying to find someone who could possibly never replace the person you are yearning for.

In the end, you just end up being miserable.

This realllllllyyyy SUCKS... :@

Im so annoyed at life right now, like whats the point of giving me a taste of something I could never have? Why be so cruel?

.Sigh.

Have you ever had something thats exactly what you had been looking for and you finally have it... except on a "trial period" for which the "license" would expire in a certain months time. Except, you cant exactly swipe your credit card and buy the product when the license expires.

I possibly found one of the best things that has happened to me so far... but the irony is I can not have it.

Now Im afraid Im going to be one of those miserable people who cant replace someone because you can never find someone whos exactly like that.

Whats the point? Why is life so unfair? If there really is a God, then I would like to ask Him/Her, WHY? WHY WHY WHY WHY???????? Whats the point? What M I learning here? Is this some kind of a test? Because then I fail. I fail to understand the lesson in this. I fail to get the joke in this.

I wonder if God is some higher power and we are like ants and hes just prodding us for hes own pleasure, because this is just a sick joke.

I feel so Emo.

http://zombev.deviantart.com/art/Hey-God-75576063

Love: The Sweetest Pain...

2009-09-29T02:49:00.013+10:00

Everyone talks about Love... its such an overwhelming feeling, a pain so sweet, when u fall in love for the very first time... It feels even better when u get true love after a painful break up or a few.. The world becomes heaven when u marry the person you love but I am sure it must also feel great when u realize that the person you have married (if it is arranged) is the one you were waiting for and then, with time, you fall in love with them.

So what really is true love??? Does it happen before you get married or after you're married.. If its easy to fall for your husband or spouse who cares about you, gives you 50% of their attention (to say the least) and who is in front of your eyes 24/7 than why do we cry for love all the time??? Why do we feel that if we wont marry the person we love, everything will turn upside down??? Why it becomes so hard to realize that you may never be able to see your love again, when you know that with the passage of time, you will gradually start loving your legal husband / wife?

Is Love really worth all that pain and misery? Does being in love has a condition that you have to be miserable and that it will only be called love when it is unsuccessful... I don't find answers to such questions, they just seem inexplicable. I find life easier when there is no one you have to worry about...You can have fun and enjoy your life till it lasts and then finally when its time to get married, you may do it the traditional way or if you are lucky enough, you would find someone who you think would be able to bear you for the rest of your life. Both ways, you're not sure whether you will find love in your mate... you get married, come closer, have a lot of sex and sacrifice a bit here & there and ta da.... you fall in love.... Then why the fuck you lamented for not finding the right person all through your bachelor life!!! Is that it?? This is why you wasted your time and energy for the wrong person when you knew that Love will finally come your way in the shape of your life partner??

We never learn from our mistakes, unless we find a permanent solution to our problem; that is marriage! and some of us don't learn at all even after marriage, they screw their lives, but lets not talk about it..lets just stick to Love... The unbearable, unavoidable emotion...

In all the famous love stories, love was unsuccessful yet people talk about them, praise them and use them as examples... They never talk about those who loved and succeeded in getting thier lovers, and even if they do, its not as frequent or looked upon as the ones that failed. So does it means people appreciate failures in Love? does it feels nice to talk about something that has some pain attached to it...to make it look more dramatic, tragic...

Or maybe the whole concept of love is not finding it in someone, rather experiencing it, cherishing it till it lasts, then getting minced as it goes away and then talking about it over and over again....

I guess thats why it hurts when we experience it for the first time and it hurts even more when it makes its way out... Still we need it, cry over it, yearn for it, want to hold on to it... Love, The Sweetest Pain..ever.....

http://media.photobucket.com/image/love%20sad/domveliz13/sad.jpg?o=1

Addiction

2009-09-27T16:03:00.007+10:00

He looked at me with hes beautiful smile
Tantalizing eyes, soft lips
Beckoning me to come closer

Oh hes so warm and so comforting
Just what I need for my escape
So I take a step towards him

Hes magnetism is drawing me in
I cant help myself
Hes so inviting

I look into those welcoming eyes
Feeling warm sunshine
and before I know it
He has engulfed me

I embrace him
Feeling the rush I need so much
Needing, wanting, tasting him
Oh such sweet surrender

I look up to see hes face
and all I see is darkness
Hes smile turns into an evil grin
Hes eye shine of malice

Im scared, I try to get away
But hes held me close to him
Tightening hes iron grip
Laughing a malevolent laugh

I cant breathe, hes hold is too tight
I cant get away, hes held me under a spell
I struggle, I squirm, I scream
All attempts futile

and he holds me ever so tightly
Hes skin has turned pale
Hes touch is icy cold
Hes breath stinks of rot
It reminds me of death

He whispers into my ear,
Im your addiction
I will never let you go

You are all mine now,
Forever a slave
to your desires
which is me

Resistance is futile,
Surrender yourself to me
You need me, you want me
and you know it

Im your addiction, Im your drug
I will never let you go
Forever we will be
Until death do us part

Cue music

This poem isnt about a person.. it is about addiction.. addiction to alcohol, drugs or maybe even a person.. anything that is unhealthy for you and you succumb to it...
Its about how inviting it is at the start, how comforting it is but once it takes a hold on you, everything goes cold...

http://nojemi.deviantart.com/art/evil-smile-54470733
http://k-chan.deviantart.com/art/Addiction-64600161

Wipe that cheesy smile off your face

2009-09-26T18:57:00.005+10:00

The problem with being so happy and smiling all the time and just on average, being a cheery person is when you come down from all that positive energy, you come down BAD.. you crash really BAD... you get equally sad and depressed...

I dont know how Air hostesses handle it... smiling all the fcking time...

For a change I dont want to smile at all... I feel like being all gloomy and dark... I cant quite put my finger on whats making me so low... maybe.. I know, maybe I just dont want to acknowledge it so m pushing it at the back of my head... I just feel ... sad

We are so good at suppressing our feelings and running away from the things that we dont want to deal with... because the truth is, its quite annoying to deal with the reality.

Its kinda of like... okay you have this perfect moment with someone and eveythings going so smoothly.. and its just like perfect, you know ?
But then this one thought comes to your head and fcks up everything.
I hate that... or maybe its just me.. maybe Im too cynical to believe in anything good anymore.. that one can actually BE happy, that life can actually be perfect... Maybe I have become so cynical that when it does happen, it just feels so unnatural and unreal and so FAKE.

sigh...

Im downright moody right now... and I hate how I feel...
These are some of the times I hate being a girl... because once I read somewhere that girls are like waves... when they naturally peak their "happy" level they come down crashing.. and then rise again to feel "happy" ... meh... Its like we feel happy for no reason at all .. and feel sad for no reason at all.. its so FCKING annoying...

lol, I get why guys dont get us at all at times.. but hey, as simple as guys maybe we dont get you either.
http://cold-remo.deviantart.com/art/Fake-smile-91140408 http://5umm0n3d.deviantart.com/art/Fake-make-me-a-smile-45014002

Screw you

2009-09-14T22:19:00.002+10:00

Man... dont you just hate those kind of people who just LOVE to get on your nerves?

ESPECIALLY when you already are stressed out... do you honestly need someone pushing your buttons, testing when you will finally crack and unleash the monster?

God... I feel like someones stretching strings inside me and its this ugly feeling across my chest... like I want to just go ahead and punch this person black and blue and tell them to FCK OFF

argh, I have had such a stressful day and doing presentation work is even more stressful than I thought...

Dont need someone giving me crap right now.. I honestly want to do some punching to vent out

ARGH :@:@:@:@:@:@:@:@:@:@ sonofagun$^%&^%&^$&^*%&%I&^&%%$W^&^%&*&^U%REGGFCSHGTR^%^&^#%#&RTGHHFDSDHGGFJDHGJXGFNFDG%$^

asshole

Starcrossed Lovers

2009-09-11T22:45:00.009+10:00

In your eyes I would hide
By your side I could defy
The forces tearing us apart
But reality, as it seems
Looking back, is that our dream
Was fated from the start

Girl we're star-crossed and can't escape
We're condemned and can only wait
At this time now it's far too late
To save us from our fate
You can't save us

You can't save us

Starcrossed- Ash

Chris Rock said this really amazing thing about "Soul mates"
He said that there IS no such thing as soul mates... if you are lucky enough you will only get a MATE... to go to movies with.. and fck.. to go to dinner with.. then fck...
Im really just quoting him by the way :P not my words

But I have come to agree with him...

There is no such thing as soul mates.. there is no such thing as pairs made in Heaven ! I mean I refuse to believe that its already been decided for me who Im going to end up with ! Its sad and scary, like I have no control and well... Im a control freak

I think your best bet would be if you can find someone compatible enough to actually spend your life with.. you never get the PERFECT person or the RIGHT person... if you are lucky enough you find someone who doesn't well.. make you reach for the knife in the kitchen... :P...

but.. expecting yourself to wait around for someone who fits your description of Mr./Ms. Right... you are probably going to end up being all by yourself.
I dont like saying alone.. because lately I have charmed up to being solitary and even considering living a solitary life and I like to consider that just because you dont have a life partner that you are not alone.. I mean what the hell are friends and family for ?

Alright, so thats that... but just IMAGINE by sheer LUCK ... you manage to run into your dream guy/girl or someone who pretty much fits into your description of the kind of person you would want to be with...
but heres the catch...

They are either not the same religion as you, nationality as you, race as you, skin colour as you or they are in a shitty classless job or they already have kids... etc... anything that pretty much becomes a big bad ass obstacle into your happily ever after.

Race, religion, skin colour and maybe even jobs may not matter to some people... but to some cultures it is like a BIG DEAL. Like my culture for example.
I dont think my parents would exactly be pleased if I brought in a white or black christian/ buddhist/hindu guy and said "Hey mom dad, I want you to meet the guy I want to marry"

LOLLLLLLLLL man that would be funny, maybe I should do that just for kicks and see what happens... LOLLLL... I can just imagine the expression on my moms face...she would probably turn and yell at my dad "you should never have sent her abroad to study !!!" lolll
anyways

my point is that its so fucked up that we have such limited choices in our choice of a life partner and I absolutely hate this system.
There already are alot of shitty guys/ girls out there without making the circle even tighter... no the guy/girl needs to be asian, muslim and possibly pakistani...
Right... fat chance Im going to find the kind of person m looking for with sucha narrow category.
Whats worse is that sometimes you do find them and everythings just WRONG.

LOL another thing Chris said was that MAYBE .. just maybe we would find the person who blows our mind away... but everything would be wrong...
They would be married... you would have a wife and a kid...they would be black.. you would be white...
LOL...

and its SO TRUE... I mean who knows... you just might find the person who blows your mind away to be someone from Planet Xenex and whos skin colour is purple and who speaks nurple !
I hope you get my point...

I just hate how we as Humans have divided ourselves based on our religion, race, country, skin colour, language... I hate it...why cant we just be united? why is there no unity? why are there borders and rules separating us ? wtf?
sigh... I just think the whole idea of a religion or a country is quite ridiculous.. but I will leave it for some other time...

I feel quite bitter and frustrated... and I honestly m starting to wonder that maybe I really m just going to end up by myself... because no one would interest me enough or really blow my mind away.. and even if they did... I would never really be able to be with them.. thanx to stuff like religion, race, colour,language, country... etc...

Thank you life... for once again making a funny at me :) I lurve you

On this note... heres a perfect song.. makes me sad :(
Starcrossed Lovers- Ash

http://imustbedead.deviantart.com/art/Black-And-White-72002338
http://hrymfaxe.deviantart.com/art/Starcrossed-lovers-92774368
http://anime-wallpapers.com/images/1920x1200/star-crossed-lovers.jpg

"I want frandship u"

2009-08-24T23:20:00.004+10:00

LAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
OMG !!!!!!!!
UNBELIEVABLE... today I had the most funny conversation ever
well if anyone has ever heard Orkut- the "social networking" site.. will very well know what m talking about.

I used to have an account on Orkut-god knows why- and honestly its really not a networking site as much as its a place where creepy guys ask if they want frandship u

LOLLLL.. I left Orkut ages ago.. and didnt think this will follow me till facebook !

I cant believe guys still use this line.. seriously, what the fuck are you thinking ? You think I wud wanna frandship u because I have nothing better to do ? (oh shit I just rhymed! and rhymed again !)

LAWL... so for a change.. instead of ignoring this creepy bastard I decided to play around and have my own fun

haha heres how the conversation flowed:

Loser who has no life: hi ariba razaan mubarak ho aapko

Me: errr... do I know you?

Loser who has no life: no as afriend

Me: so that means I dont know you
sorry I dont add ppl I dont know

Loser who has no life: ok im sorry

Loser who has no life: where r u areeba iwant friendship u

Me: I said

I dont add ppl I dont know
and no I dont waant any friendship with you

Loser who has no life: whyyyyyyy

Me: because ur name sucks

Loser who has no life: what is the mean of sucks

Me: it means

you suck

Loser who has no life: why im suck

Me: why dont u ask ur mom

Loser who has no life: no i dont ask my mom

Loser who has no life: hey where r u kya dar gayin mujhse (translation: got scared of me?)

Me: lol loser

u think m going to afraid of a guy who cant even speak proper english ?

I dont have time to waste on such loser desperate guys like you who go around asking randomn girls if you want friendship with them

Loser who has no life: ok im sorry im not talk with yu iam going and im not succk boy iam a science student ok yu stuppid girl

Me: LOL
science boy who cant even speak proper english
Im an engineer

as far as I can see, the only stupid person around here is you because you have so much time on your hands to waste seeking around girls who you dont know because you are such a loser and dont have a life

word of advice

get a life

LOLLLLL so thats how it flowed and I havent heard from him at all lol I guess I humiliated hes pants off :P

haha... man he even had a shahid kapoor's picture as hes profile picture...
such a classic image of a loser frandship u guy hahahaha

Just in case you dont know who Shahid Kapoor is... hes a bollywood actor... and most of these kind of guys actually put up pictures of movie stars...

hahaha mannnn... I swear

For guys who are actually like this loser:
Seriously, unless the girl has a porno name and a porno picture dont bother messaging her stuff like that.
Secondly, if you really want to hit on a girl first learn to atleast TYPE proper english and have some personality.
Lastly... I want frandship u... seriously ? seriously ? you are seriously going to use this line and expect chicks to come running to you ? LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL....
such a cheapass line

For others:
Hope you enjoyed this as much as I enjoyed harassing the creepy bastard ^_^

Raw Emotion

2009-08-23T10:12:00.007+10:00

"They may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel"
Carl W. Buechner

Have you ever experienced an emotion in its purest raw form.

Like its just out there in front of you.

No hiding, no being shy, not being afraid to show these emotions.

WOW

It is such a powerful impact.
Like you feel something connect within your body and goosebumps travel up your skin.

I mean not just sadness or anger .. I mean just about any emotion, that one is feeling EXTREMELY strongly.

So strongly that its vibrating out and touching other people.

Whether it be lust, love, desire, hatred , greed,pride,humiliation.

I have known hatred so strong that I honestly believe that the power of my negative thoughts actually started affecting that person. It was intense... I have never hated someone so much in my entire life.
Regardless, I never really displayed it, it was always contained within me, so I cant really pass it out as a raw emotion someone would see from me. Although, I can bet anything if anyone actually knew how much hatred was going through my body, they would stay away from me just because of the intensity of it all.

Couple of days ago, I SAW the emotion DESIRE... WANT..NEED.

and BAM... it just hit me by surprise.
So powerful

I can just imagine what other emotions can have an affect on people.. that just really stirs your soul.

WOW... I dont think Im going to forget the way I felt that day.

Experiencing raw emotion in person can sometimes really shake you up.
You have nothing else to say... but WOW

On a different note, how do we know that the other person is feeling the same way as you do at any one moment?
I'm quite fascinated by how humans can convey emotions to one another. I think it all happens on a conscious and subconscious level. Through what you say, the way you say it, the volume of your voice, through body language, eye contact and just ... maybe vibes, that the other responds to, yet again on a subconscious level.

Because honestly, we all really believe what we see, and see those emotions manifest itself within the person is what we really read and respond back to.
If thats the case, and if our brains are so brilliant, why do we at times read wrongly ?
Im sure you all have been in one position in your life where you thought the other person was conveying something to you... but not really...

So what are you reading wrong ? Or are we just seeing and believing what we really want to see and believe? That we want the other person to feel the same way about you SO MUCH that we end up desperately looking for small clues and clinging to them. Maybe thats where we start to read people wrong.

Ah, Humans are such fascinating creatures
http://dastorm-photography.deviantart.com/art/Raw-Emotion-128105739

New Writing Pal

2009-08-22T11:35:00.004+10:00

Hah ! Just a short notice ^_^ my cousin sister just joined my blog and she would be writing to it as well ! so Stay tuned :)

http://sinfuleyes.deviantart.com/art/Best-Friends-88523080

Thought that we were stronger

2009-08-19T21:06:00.005+10:00

We're driving slow through the snow on 5th Avenue 
And right now radio's all that we can hear 
Now we ain't talk since we left, it's so over due 
It's cold outside but between us it's worse in here

The world slows down 
But my heart beats fast right now 
I know this is the part 
Where the end starts 

I can't take it any longer 
Thought that we were stronger 
All we do is linger 
Slipping through our fingers 
I don't wanna try now 
All that's left's goodbye to 
Find a way that I can tell you 
I hate this part right here 
I hate this part right here 
I just can't take your tears 
I hate this part right here 

Everyday, 7 takes of the same old scene 
Seems we're bound by the laws of the same routine 
Gotta talk to you now 'fore we go to sleep 
But will we sleep once I tell you what's hurting me

I know you'll ask me to hold on 
And carry on like nothing's wrong 
But there is no more time for lies 
'Cause I see sunset in your eyes

PCD- I hate this part right here

Baby I 've got you on my mind

2009-08-17T22:24:00.001+10:00

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh

IM LIKE IN LOVE

with this song :P

hehehe

Absolutely love it... if I had a singing voice I would be singing this at the top of my lungs

Powderfinger - On My Mind

Love it ^_^

Love must surely be blind, because there is no other explanation

2009-08-17T01:46:00.004+10:00

Lol
okie this will sound so mean
But lately when I see people, specifically couples around me and have known some in the past

I cant help but think that
Love is seriously fcking blind

LOLLL... fck !

and the funny thing is
When you fall out of love and you can FINALLY think clearly and rationally

You go like... "Wtf was I thinking ?!?!?!?!?!!"
lol

anyways

I feel really frustrated
Why do we take things for granted and only realise its value when its gone ?
I really want to just shake some people up SO HARDDDDDDDD because they dont realise how fcking lucky they are to have what they have what so many others are craving for !!!!!

ARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH

goddamnit

-_-

http://fav.me/d1vqp2o