Wish you were here, Mum.

I have only recently discovered Pink Floyd. Yes curse my ignorance, I can't believe I have not listened to them before! This was the first ever song I heard and just reminded me of mum. I miss you Mum. Love you. <3

In Your Honour

I have been thinking and thinking about to what to write, how to write, will it be good enough? Did I miss anything? I had even prepared a bad ass 2000 word essay, however, no matter how many words I use to describe it, it won't do it any justice, so I am going to settle for only this, because it will never be enough.

My mum passed away on the 16th of Jan 2012. She was diagnosed with an incurable lung disease which I only found out about last year. Its hard to know that your mother is dying and even harder when it actually happens. Doubtless, I feel like I have a gigantic gaping hole in my heart, that may only get smaller with time, but will never disappear. In a way I am glad her suffering is over and she is finally at rest, but it breaks my heart all the same. Gone too soon. Sigh.

Mum, I miss you, and I love you, I am sorry for all the pains I may have caused you and I hope you are in a better place now, because you deserve it more than anyone I know!
My only consolation is that I was able to see you, speak to you, hold you, kiss you, love you and take care of you and repair our previous broken relationship. I am happy that our last words to each other were that we loved one another and lots of kisses ! :) You need not be afraid for me Mum, I am as self-sufficient and independent as you wanted me to be. Don't worry, I will keep an eye out for Hummi and Zer too, I wont let them feel alone and I will make sure Dad eats proper and stays out of trouble!

I love you, no amount of words can describe how I feel about you and what you mean to me. May Allah give you the highest place in Jannat. Ameen.

Crossroads

Feeling rather tormented by trying to chose to either act or not to act. How does one weigh personal needs against the needs of many?

I feel so torn apart; either I ignore my needs and chose to satisfy the needs of others and therefore lose my sense of self in the process, or chose to ignore others needs and consequently feel guilt-ridden and heavy-hearted.

Ugh!

:(



http://browse.deviantart.com/?q=Crossroads&order=9&offset=24#/d1cohpx

Human Mortality

I have to come realise, the older I get the more deaths I will soon be facing. I guess I have been lucky enough to have been shielded from it in my teenage years, however, I am finding myself being surrounded by death.

It makes you think of death a lot more often and in particular, the manner of passing away. A former schoolmate passed away when he was only 24. A friends grand mother passed away at a ripe age 85ish.. I heard of someone else losing a 16- year old son; too young to have gone so quickly. Its scary to face that we are not immortals. Death is so excluded from our lives, we barely even think about it and then someone passes away and we are re-introduced to our puny human lives.

Some one once said there are only two things that are permanent: Death and taxes. So maybe you can not fight the fact that one day we will all die. However, you can't stop thinking about the way you would die. I personally want to have lived my life to the full and pass away in a sleep surrounded by people I love. Which is exactly what happened to my friends granma. I don't think anyone wants to die alone, amongst strangers, in a painful, fearful manner. Its simply not the way to go.

This makes me think of the pictures I recently saw of Gaddafi, Libya's autocratic ruler from 1969-1977. His manner of death was quite uneasy to digest. Yes yes yes he has committed oh so many crimes and yadda yadda yadda. Life isn't black and white, its just not. We are villains and we are heroes. Bad people have families too, they have spouses, children, parents and siblings. They are human too. Some people may say he deserved to die that way, but jeez, just seeing the pictures of him moments before his death, made me want to cry. Cry for the cruelty and barbaric nature of mankind. Cry for the manner of his death, dragged and beaten, dying infront of hateful strangers, all alone. Sigh. I don't know if anyone deserves to die that way. Its just cruel. It makes me sad, I wish mankind wasn't capable of such brutality and cruelty, its inhumane. :( If we have a soul, I am not sure it can be at rest if you pass away so suddenly and in such a painful manner.

I feel a little frightened, because I realise my own frailty and I am lately facing the mortality of my parents, especially since they are not getting any younger and Mum has been sick all this year. I haven't even seen them in 2 fcking years. I am scared life would be cruel and take them away before they even get to know me again.

Sigh.

http://day-light.deviantart.com/art/Life-Death-148310461?q=boost%3Apopular%20death&qo=167

Exercise

Who needs exercise if you can get your heart to race 100 beats a min just by performing the simple act of adding your ex on IM chat.

Hah.

>_>

Lol.

7th of July

On the 7th of July, someone I knew from School passed away.
:(

He was not my friend, nor do I remember having any conversations with him. In fact, I had a silly infatuation with him that made me tongue tied every time he walked by. :)
Regardless of how little I knew him, it came as a great shock to know he had passed away :(
I can't even begin to imagine what his family must be going through, because I have never experienced losing someone really close to me like that. But the thought of it gives me shivers every time:S

Sigh.

I think we all think that we are somehow immortal, or that death is absolutely disconnected from our lives such that when such an event does happen, it shakes us up. No one thinks that they are going to die today. No one thinks the person they love sitting right next to you is not going to be there the next moment.

Over the years, I have seen other people lose people they love and its heart breaking :( I have seen a friend lose her mother, I have seen my own mother lose her brother, I have seen my brother lose a class mate and now I have seen someone else lose their brother/son/friend etc.

For the time being it makes you extra appreciative of your family and your loved ones. You call them up and let them know how much you love them. However, after a while, everybody forgets death has happened and go back to their apathetic self.

I am a little heart broken :( I can not simply comprehend how someone so young and so full of life could be taken away so soon :( Its so sad... :(

At least it is really good to see how many people love him and to know that he passed away with no pain. I guess that's what we can wish for when its our time.

May his soul rest in peace.
Ameen.

To live in hearts we leave behind
Is not to die.
~Thomas Campbell, "Hallowed Ground"

The Speech.

Sometimes you are in a phase in life where everything seems to work out wonderfully. Studies, work, relationships. Everything is absolutely fantastic and nothing could go wrong.
Other times, you are at a stage in life where everything that could possibly go wrong- goes horribly wrong.

I was fairly religious minded when it came to aspects of life, believing that everything had its purpose, its destiny, its set path. However, now that I really am a skeptic when it comes to fate, destiny, higher power etc, I am not sure how to make sense of all the unfortunate thing that seems to be happening in my life. All the things that have not worked out. If life really is random, and it doesn't chose to give good or bad things depending on your deeds, then how do I explain all the 'random' disappointments I have had?

Stuff like, work, experience, personal relationships. They have all not worked out or seem to just exacerbate with time. Its almost like I have run out of "luck". In retrospect, it made me jaded. I mean, it understandable if one thing doesn't work out, but god damn ALL of it? Wtf?
Its depressing, disappointing and has put me in a rather morbid, moody mood.

My perspective didn't start to change until my graduation day. It wasn't the ceremony, nor the wearing of the flowy academic gown. It wasn't finally receiving that god-damned certificate that says that I have Bachelors in Engineering. It was the keynote speaker. I, like the absent-minded person I am, don't recall her name, however, I remember what she spoke about.
It almost felt like she was talking directly TO ME. Like everything she said was meant for me and me alone because she somehow seem to know what I have been going through.

She talked about her own experience of graduating and thinking she was invincible. That from here on, everything will be easy. How wrong was she, and how wrong was I!
The world is going to present to you with plenty of disappointments; not getting that job or that scholarship, but perhaps it is a way to prepare yourself better for the future. How I wish, someone had told me that before I finished my studies and started to think: "Now what?"
Her point was, you need to keep pushing and have a 'no-regret' policy. That you should not let disappointments define you.

The speech, which was a lot more elegant than what I have summarized here, touched my heart. It gave me the tranquility that I have been looking for. I cant say at I am not jealous of the people who have it easier than me, or have better opportunities to excel, because I really am; however, I have learned to be patient for my glory day. Crudely put, every dog has its day, I know mine will come.

Sometimes, you need a complete stranger to tell you, that your world is not going to end.

http://xxxbiancaxxx.deviantart.com/art/Speech-56743086?q=boost%3Apopular%20Speech&qo=48